This is the day that the Lord has made

This is the day that the Lord has made

I will rejoice and be glad in it.

For on this day a few years ago

Lost in darkness

The Lord saved my soul.

He bought me at my lowest

Offered me a new name

A new creation, instantly I became:

Forgiven

Redeemed 

Chosen

Seen

A child of the Almighty

An heir to the King.

He washed away my sins

He took up my shame

Now all for Him I live my life

I will never be the same.

On this day in the Lord I rejoice

Praising Him for giving me a choice

Of life or death.

In that sin and shame

He took in my sins,

While giving me undeserved grace.

I will praise the Lord!

I will shout.

I will sing.

I will tell of His glory,

His Son,

And how He endlessly redeems.

This is the day I don’t deserve.

Thank You, Lord.

For Your Holy Word

Your love

Your glory

Your grace

Your Son.

For redemption I never have to earn.

Comfort in Anxiety

“ What do you do to stop feeling anxious?” My coworker asked me. What do I do? The tension in my shoulders, knot in my stomach, and pounding heart reminded me the answer was currently “not much”. 

“I’m not very good at stopping.” Was my first response. I’m sure you’ve heard it said before that the Bible instructs us “do not be afraid” 365 times. It’s the most often given instruction in the Bible. 

If you are anything like me though... knowing I shouldn’t be afraid or anxious doesn’t just take those feelings away. Thankfully, the Bible doesn’t just tell us not to be afraid, but it also tells us what to do in those moments as well. 1 Peter 5:7 instructs us to cast our anxieties on Him. In Philippians 4:6-7 Paul tells us “do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God.”

Sis, let me tell you something. Anxiety has ruled some part of my life for years! I have often been a slave to my worries. But, Psalm 55 tells us to cast our care upon the Lord (PRAY) and He will sustain us (vs 22).

“I try to pray. Sometimes I write my prayers out. And I try to remember all the ways God has been steadfast in the past.” That was the rest of my answer.

I still get anxious. Tonight I’m still praying through my current anxieties, but it’s gotten easier. My shoulders have loosened a bit and the boulder in my stomach is a bit more pebble shaped at the moment (still uncomfortable but much more livable). 

So my encouragement to you is this, take your anxieties to the Lord in prayer. The full verse of 1 Peter 5:7 says “casting all your anxieties on him, because he cares for you.” He wants you to approach Him with your fears. He cares deeply for you. You don’t have to sit in your anxiety any longer. You don’t have to carry that boulder alone.

Psalm 23:4 

Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death,

I will fear no evil,

for you are with me;

your rod and your staff,

they comfort me.

Rest

Rest

I often don’t sleep well. I have poor sleeping habits and a weird schedule, and so my sleep suffers. I’m pretty much stay tired. My counselor used to joking tell me that sometimes the most biblical thing you can do is take a nap, and I believe it.

Even God rested.  “So God blessed the seventh day and made it holy, because on it God rested from all his work that he had done in creation.” Genesis 2:3

I don’t know what you do for a living, but I know what I do is much less then create a whole world... and yet I often feel like one day off (or more) isn’t enough. Over the past year I’ve been learning that I think a big part of that is that I’m not resting well.

Biblical rest isn’t just sleep. Biblical rest is sitting in quiet before the Lord (Exodus 33:14). Biblical rest is surrender (Matthew 11:28-30). It’s prayer and meditation (Mark 6:31). Biblical rest is laying down your burdens, it’s pausing work, it’s letting the Lord fill you back up.

True rest is a form of surrender. It’s a form of worship. It’s a way for us to cast aside worries and distractions and be with our Creator. True rest restores and lack of biblical rest can lead us astray (Hebrews 4:11).

So make time to rest my sister. Be still before the Lord. Allow Him to lead you beside the still waters and calm your soul, so that in rest you may better know your Creator. 

 

Psalm 23:2-3

He makes me lie down in green pastures.

He leads me beside still waters. 

He restores my soul.

He leads me in paths of righteousness

for his name's sake.

Steadfast Love

Confession: I’m a mess of a person. And not the cute mess you often see in movies that’s endearing and whimsical. The type that’s lead others to make such comments as “she’s not a good influence”. Yeah... that type of a mess.

See, I’ve made some mistakes. I lived in a pretty big open rebellion towards the Lord for a bit a few years back. I fully embraced what the world had to offer and in anger and bitterness I turned my back on the Lord. 

This happened shortly after my earthly father passed away. It’s hard to admit anger at a dead person, but I think I was pretty mad at my dad for leaving. I was also pretty mad at God. I felt alone and betrayed and instead of running towards the Lord I ran away.

Deuteronomy 31:6 says “Be strong and courageous. Do not fear or be in dread of them, for it is the Lord your God who goes with you. He will not leave you or forsake you.” 

These were the words Moses told Israel as they prepared to cross the Jordan. Moses wasn’t to go with them, but he knew the Lord would. The same God that had freed them from Egypt, the same God that had gone before them for 40 years, He is the same God that would go before them into the promised land. He was the same God that my dad pointed me towards and the same God that was there after he left. When I realized that by diving head first away from God I was going deeper into loneliness and pain I desperately began to swim back.

He will not leave you or forsake you! When I turned my back on the Lord, do you know where He was? Right where He had been and will always be.

In Lamentations we are told, 

The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases; his mercies never come to an end; they are new every morning; great is your faithfulness. (3:22-23)

I was the prodigal son. I’ve been lost and found. The Lord waits with open arms to bring us back to life, and hallelujah what a God!( Luke 15:11-31)

#beggingtobelieve

I was at a church recently and during a prayer, before the sermon was even given, one of the leaders made the statement that “some of us are begging our souls to believe that You are good.” My whole body wants to gasp at the statement. It sounds like it’s toeing the line of appropriateness. It sounds filled with doubt and struggling to have faith. It seems like something a Christian shouldn’t say... and yet I wanted to weep when it was said, stand up on a chair and yell “he’s talking about me!”. I felt seen. I felt exposed. I was hurt and rejoicing all at once and I’m not even sure I would have said that’s how I was feeling in that moment but I have been there so many times it was instant relief.

I kind of feel like I’m back in that mindset though... or slipping back into it at least. I “know” God is good all the time and all the time God is good but I am not exactly “feeling” His goodness right now. I am not understanding His ways that are better than mine and I do not have the patience for His perfect timing. Is that okay? No, no it really isn’t. But, it’s also real.

I feel stuck and overwhelmed all at once. I’m not really sure where God is leading me in life but I sure do feel like He is taking what feels like the most indirect route to get me there. It’s like I’ve been climbing up and down boulders, hills, and mountains for a while now and every time I reach what I think is flat land He points ahead to the next challenge.

A lot of people have it worse than me. I don’t have a hard life compared to most. I am incredibly fortunate and blessed and I forget those facts often. Life isn’t easy though. My life isn’t easy though. And sometimes I look at it and all I see is a mess and it’s all I can do to look up at my Father and ask why? Arms stretched wide, desperate for an answer I can hold on to, I beg Him to tell me why. Why did I have to lose my dad? Why does my body constantly fail me? Why is my family not in church? Why can’t my mom find a job? Why don’t I know what I need to do? Why doesn’t he love me back? Why wasn’t my friendship enough for her? Why do I feel so anxious and sad no matter how much I find joy in you? Do you really have a plan? Is it actually going to happen? Can I really trust you?

I know as I’m typing all this that “I’m not supposed to ask these questions”. I know it shows a lack of faith and a lot of self centered thinking, but I also know that it’s where I’m at. I know that the stress and the worry of trying to believe that God is good all the time is exhausting and counter productive. I know that God is telling me to only be still and I am trying to learn what that means. But until then I’m begging Him to help my soul believe that He is good and I think that’s a request that God is big enough to handle.

#Let'sGetReal

The realness of my depression hits when I’m no longer able to read and write.

When drawing sounds exhausting, words no longer make sense, and writing a simple paragraph feels like an impossible task... that’s when I realize I can no longer ignore the feeling inside my chest.

I’m held captive by the effects of a disease that can’t be seen, and it feels impossibly constricting and overwhelming to simply be me.

When the things that brought me joy and distracted me from the world, can no longer hold my attention, I can only turn to the Word. 
I know Christ is better. I know that He redeems, but when I’m in that darkness sometimes He actually feels like the enemy.

My savior and redeemer, my father and my friend, feels like the villain in my life story, a story with no end.

It’s scary and ugly, the feelings I face inside, when I feel like Jesus is no longer my God, when it seems like He is no longer by my side.

Forgotten, abandoned and broken, worthless, a waste of time.

All the lies that the demons of my heart whisper in my mind.

God brings joy.

He is light. 

But sometimes my human heart forgets and tries to hide. 

Ashamed and confused. Exhausted and believing all the lies.

My lonely heart abandons the only thing that keeps it healthy and alive.

It’s difficult and exhausting, trying to hide, the unbelief that comes when you can’t lay down your pride. 

When you try to save yourself, casting God aside. 

Thinking depression is a force you are strong enough to fight. 

The waves becomes too rough, the waters begin to rise, and that sinking feeling in your chest overtakes your life.

It’s easy to forget, hard to understand, why the lifeguard who walks on water would want to hold your hand. 

The lighthouse you abandoned, the captain who controls the seas, is your savior and redeemer, the everlasting king. 

Abandoned and forgotten, yet He never left your side. 

Those moments of loneliness were when you bought the devils lies. 

His light never faded, 

He heard all of your cries.

My cries. 

He heard all of my cries. 

Never lost or abandoned. 

I have nothing to hide. 

Because the God that walks by my side already knows everything about my life. 

Me fears, my shames, my missteps, and backslides will never be enough to make him turn an eye. 

In the darkest of depressions, when all that can be done is to cry, 

still Jesus is faithful, my only hope of light.

#ThankYou...

I’m thankful to be tired and sleep deprived the last few days, because I was spending time with 

friends and family instead of in my bed. I’m thankful for the belly aches that follow two home cooked meals. I’m thankful for the short time I had at home, because I know the shortness is only due to having a job to return to. I’m thankful for the itchy eyes and nose that come from puppy love at family gatherings. I’m thankful for the heartache that came from missing those that are no longer here. I know it means that I’ve experiences love, and that I have memories of those that have gone on. I’m thankful for headaches and pains because of those that show their worry care. I’m thankful to have missed my brother on Thanksgiving, not only because it means we have a relationship worth missing but because I know he was away with one whom he loves. I’m thankful that while home I missed my friends back at my other home. I have two communities that love and support me. I’m thankful for tired eyes, a happy heart, and a spirit at peace.

I am thankful. I am grateful. I am oh so blessed!

I am grateful for each and every blessing God has bestowed upon me. He has blessed me with a loving family, gracious friends, two homes, two churches, a job, a vehicle that powers through, and many more “things” that I neither need nor deserve.

It’s been a rough year… rough almost two years really. I lost my Pop, then my dad, had some friend drama, graduated college, did a cross country road trip, worked my last summer at camp, didn’t know what I was returning to, moved home, took part in three weddings, family drama, job searched, started Starbucks, started babysitting, made lots of poor decisions, gained some new friends, fell in love, left my jobs, didn’t know what came next, moved back to my college town, was job less, more friend drama, had my heart broken, learned lots of lessons, recovered a faith I didn’t know I was losing, struggled, found a job in my career, formed some life changing friendships, found some peace, and saw/ am still seeing God remain steadfast through it all.

I’ve had some low moments. I didn’t make all the best decisions. I fell down more than once, and yet, His mercy remained. He is truly sufficient for me. Everything in this life is an extra gift that I am undeserving of. I’ve learned that trials only polish and refine. Weariness only causes me to fall back on Him. The exhaustion, confusion, pain, hurt, and anger I have experienced this past year only brought me back to the feet of Jesus, and oh what a beautiful place that is!

I’m thankful for the little things. God has been gracious to me young measure. I know no more precious gift than to be loved  by a Lord who is active, who is merciful, who is gracious, forgiving, sacrificially loving, who created me, who knows me, who wants me! Thank you, Jesus! Thank you for grace, mercy, and love. For friends, family, and a home. For my past, my present, and for having a plan for my future. Thank you Jesus for naps, for cats, parades, and babies. Thank you for seeing me, truly seeing me, and still loving and pursuing me. Thank you for never giving up on me no matter how fast or hard I ran. Your steadfast love, Your undeserved grace, peace everlasting, mercy never ending, and your Son. Thank you for crunchy leaves, teddy bears, warm blankets, hot jackets, and chocolate… because You even care about the little things.