#insecurities

When I was in middle school I had a "best" friend. I thought she was really cool and funny and thought she enjoyed being around me too. One day I started to walk into the bathroom at a drama camp we were both at to hear her telling someone else how she thought I was super annoying, not talented, and wished I hadn't signed up for the camp. Let me repeat, this was in MIDDLE SCHOOL. I'm in college, and I can still remember this particular event. For years it's what lead me to constantly ask my friends "Am I getting on your nerves?", "If I'm annoying you can just to tell me okay?", "You promise you don't think I'm obnoxious?". 

I'm going to be honest, even now I catch myself pretty frequently asking similar questions, or "Are you mad at me? Have I upset you?". I basically constantly fear that my friends don't want to be around me. I trick myself into believing they are doing it out of obligation, not out of want. I tell myself lies such as "They don't actually want you to come to..", "You're a crappy friend.", "They are only hanging out with you because of pity.", and many other various harsh variations. I get nervous asking friends to do things with me. I feel like my text to them are obnoxious. I doubt if they actually meant to invite me to things, and I worry about what they say when I'm not around.

I know I shouldn't be so insecure because of what a silly middle school girl said to me years ago. But, I also battle an anxiety disorder. There for a lot of times I know the thoughts I have regarding my friendships probably have no sound reasoning, but I can't always make them go away. My anxiety amplifies my insecurities and it can be a lot to handle. I often need reassurance from my friends that they like me and want to spend time with me, which is a big request to make from even your closest of friends. Thankfully most of my friends understand that this is something I struggle with, and so they are pretty cool with it. That doesn't make it disappear, but it does make it easier to handle.

Partially because of my anxiety, I'm not always the most dependable and I tend to bail. I'm easily overwhelmed by large groups, new places, or new experiences and I don't always follow through. On bad days, or days when I'm stressed out, I really get lost in my own head and I can seem kind of moody. That also happens if there is simply something I'm thinking about such as a story I was reading, homework I need to do at some point, or what I'm going to cook later. I often worry about annoying people if I text them, so I'm not always good at staying in contact with people. I'm pretty sarcastic, and can come off as kind of mean because of this (which is something that I'm honestly trying to work on, just not always something I catch until it's too late). I can be a handful, but can't we all?  I love deeply, I care a lot about my friends, and I really enjoy spending time with them, so why can't I believe they feel the same way towards me?

It's improving. I've gotten better, more confident and assured as I've gotten older. I have a couple friends I almost never worry about, and that number continues to grow and the worries get smaller. I'm more in control of my anxiety and I'm pretty self aware, but the reason I wanted to share all this (and believe me it was not an easy decision) is because it's hard to deal with. I know I'm not the only one that has some of the struggles. I hope that maybe by sharing how I feel, others might feel less alone, or like they can better understand themselves. But, I also want to share some of my feelings, and what can help me. If you are like me, maybe you will find some comfort, and if you have a friend like me, maybe you will find some understanding. 

1. I'm aware that my constant questions about being annoying or making you mad, might in fact annoy your or make you mad. But I need reassurance sometimes, and a simple "No, you never annoy me." or "I enjoy being around you." can really change my mood.
2. I don't want to bail on you. In fact, I'm worried that because I said no to something you will never ask me to do anything again, but for whatever reason I don't feel like I can handle this event. Ask me anyways. Invite me again. Don't force me, or guilt trip me, but let me know you would like for me to come but understand if I don't. I promise I will say yes to something one day, and I will have an amazing time with you.
3. If I am being ridiculous, obnoxious, or mean, please let me know. If I have upset you, or offended you, let's discuss it. I have literally lost sleep over not knowing why a friend seemed frustrated with me. I won't get mad if you kindly call me out, because if I realize later that I did something then I will worry much longer that you resent me for it.
4. If you don't hear from me for awhile, hit me up. Chances are, I've been thinking a lot about you, but haven't worked up enough courage to send you a text.
5. When I seem spaced out, not present for a while, or maybe a bit down, please don't take it personally. I get really caught up in my own head sometimes. I'm probably not mad at you or anything, in fact I'm probably just replaying something I said or did or playing out future conversation in my head. I overthink too much. 
6. I don't want to be this way. If I could just stop it, I would. Please be patient with me. Please don't give up. I can be a really good friend, I just need to know you're in it for the long run.
7. Know that when I tell you I love you, or that I enjoy spending time with you, I really mean it. I'm not always the most trusting, but if you matter to me then I try really hard to let you know. Just know it's not a silly compliment I'm throwing around, but something I honestly mean.
8. I appreciate you putting up with me. Like the previous number stated, I really value those that I love. I know I'm not always the easiest one to be friends with. On the opposite side, I know some of my friends that read this might not see all that I'm talking about. A lot of my struggle is in my head, and you might not always be aware, but I value you either way.

Spend time with your friends. Let them know you appreciate them. Everyone likes a reminder that they are important to others, and you can never love too much. I'm not sure if this post will help anyone else, but I genuinely hope it does. This post was especially difficult for me, but it's something that's been on my mind for awhile so there you go. Thanks!