#Ididitagain

Y'all, I did it again... I went out on a limb and did something a little dumb and a little reckless and told a guy that I was kind of in to him. I then found my self internally screaming "WHY DO I DO THESE THINGS!?!?". Why? Why do I put myself out there? Why I feel the need to let others know? And why don't others do this more?

See, once again, I don't regret my action. Was I a little disappointed in the response I got? Yes. Was I secretly wishing for something else? Heck yes. But am I happy I did it anyway? Incredibly so.

I've never fully understood why our culture considers it such a taboo to let people know you're crushing on them, or you think they are attractive, or heck, even that you think they are cool and want to be their friend! Why is this such a no-no? Why do we care so much? Well, I don't know the answer. I think a lot of it has to do with us being afraid to be vulnerable. We are terrified to put ourselves out there. We see it as reckless to expose our feelings to others, especially when we aren't positive they will return them.

Rejection sucks. It stings, it makes you sad, and it makes you doubt yourself. But for me, rejection doesn't hurt quite like the not knowing. I would rather a guy say to my face, or through a text message, that he doesn't feel the same way then to ponder for hours, days, or even weeks if the guy I'm into could possibly return the feelings. I don't want to waste my time. I don't want to hide my thoughts. I don't want to be anxious that they will notice before I'm ready for them to. I want to put it out there. I want them to know. I want there to be no wondering or miscommunication. I hate the not knowing.

Also, I want someone to know when I see them. That goes beyond my crushes as well. If I think someone is beautiful, I tell them. If I like what someone is wearing, then I let them know. When we did presentations in my classes then I was the one to tell people I enjoyed theirs, and mean it. I want people to know that they are seen, and that they are appreciated. If I want someone to be my friend then I let them know. If I like their makeup, their hair, think they are nice, or funny, then I am going to let them know. And so why is it so shocking that this carries over into my "love" life? Life is too short to not let people know they are amazing and beautiful. Death comes to fast to not let your feelings be known. Regrets last longer than rejection, and knowledge breaks the chains of not knowing. So take those risks! Tell other people how you feel and what you think. Be recklessly vulnerable once in your life.

I want to leave you with this image/quote. I found it on the Pinterest the day after I told the guy that I like that I liked him and it basically summed up how I feel on this. 

#LetterIWillNeverSend

Dear guy I gave a part of my heart to,

 How you doing? Good, great! Here's the thing, we met my freshman year. I'm not sure you remember our exact first meeting, but I do. I walked into the coffee shop, you know the one, to meet with our group and there you were. You turned, and you smiled, and I swear I lost the ability to breathe. I wanted to turn and hightail it out of there and I didn't even realize you were one of the ones we were meeting at that point. I remember thinking you looked like an athlete. I also remember really hoping you were not some stuck up, judgmental jock (I know that was super judgmental of me). And, I know you had the most beautiful smile I had ever seen. I didn't really think much else of you that semester. I thought you were attractive, and I was interested to know more, but it's not like it was crush at first sight (just super appreciation). However, I remember that year over Christmas break I realized I kind of was missing being around you. I think that's when I first realized I was starting to fall for you.

Next semester came, and my feelings for you grew. You were smart, a great leader, and you made me laugh. Have I mentioned that I found you extremely attractive? You became a distraction for me, and while logically I knew you would never feel the same, my heart wouldn't let go of the hope. Summer came, and I did something stupid. I told you I was falling for you. Let me clarify: I don't regret telling you. I regret doing it via Facebook messenger. (Literally I'm so ashamed that typing that hurt.) You were kind with your response, you kind of guessed already, and you assured me things wouldn't be awkward or change.

That last bit was an unintentional lie I think. The next school year came. I had honestly thought I wouldn't be around you much anymore, which is part of the reason I went ahead and told you how I felt, but things never turn out the way one plans. We were thrown together again, you know how I mean. I wasn't expecting that, and honestly I didn't know how to handle it. You were cool at first, until I expressed an interest in the mission trip you were leading up. Let me set this straight. I didn't want to go at first. I honestly thought it sounded cool but not for me, and then I felt like God was telling me to apply. You are great and all, but when God says apply for the mission trip... it's better to apply. We both know how that one turned out. God was leading me somewhere else, and we continued toward our separate summer plans. You turned a bit awkward towards me for a bit, but things slowly returned to normal, and now here we are.

I would say that this semester we have slowly started developing a friendship. I say that this week because you have actually been talking to me. You see, you go hot and cold on your communication and I never know where I stand with you. Communication is not one of your strong suits, and it drives me up a wall.

Anyway, back to the point. You're leaving soon. Like really leaving, going off on a new adventure in life, and I just have some things I want to make clear before you do.

1. I like you... a lot.

2. I know you are not interested in me.

3. Knowing number 2 does not change number 1.

4. I don't want you to go, but I genuinely wish you well. I know you will do amazing things and I am truly excited for you.

5. I made a mistake, and even though I don't know you super well, and even though I know you will never return the same, and even though I knew it would never happen, I accidentally gave you a piece of my heart and

6. I want it back.

You go off and do your thing, I know it will be great. Go off and meet some one, fall in love, start a family, accomplish all that you are meant to! Because my hope, my prayer, is that when you leave, I will finally be able to take back the piece of my heart I offered. I'm going to stitch it back together, and I will finally move on.

Love (Hey, I have 5 more weeks to keep dreaming!),

the girl who has unwillingly fallen for you