When I first decided to do a post on Valentine's Day I planned to make it all about self love and appreciation, cheers to being single, and how I was going to be my own Valentine this year. I wanted to start with an introduction praising my Valentine for being funny, smart, sweet, and sexy and then hit with the shocker that my Valentine this year is me. I was going to talk about how I refuse to be upset that I'm single on Valentine's Day and how great it is that I can treat myself on such a day. I wanted to talk about being a strong independent woman; maybe even share the story I told my campers this summer of the princess that didn't need saving! I wanted to explain how I firmly believe that until you love yourself, how can you expect anyone else to love you? I wanted to share my theory on finding yourself, falling in love with who you are, and then finding someone that just adds to the greatness that already exists! I wanted other young single women to read my post and feel inspired and uplifted.
And all that is true and awesome and wonderful... Except it's not the full story of how I feel. Because you see, while I am a strong independent women who doesn't NEED a man, I still want one. While I have had an amazing two days hanging out with other single girls and celebrating Valentine's Day by being cool with being single, I still would have preferred a date. While I believe I'm one of the funniest people I know, and I have days where I can and do acknowledge that I'm intelligent, kind, and beautiful in my own way, I also have days where I'm not the biggest fan of myself. Sometimes it's hard to find my worth. Sometimes I hate being single. Sometimes I see couples and I long for what they have that I haven't ever experienced. And, here is the real kicker, feeling all that is completely okay!
I don't know if I will ever fall in love with someone. I don't know if I will have the cute relationship, the hard times, the wedding of my dreams, and a long life with someone I love who also loves me back. There are moments where I hate not knowing that. There are times when I fear that I will never meet someone that loves me for me, get married, and have the 8 kids I want. It's terrifying not knowing. It sucks to be in college and never have been kissed, or been asked on a date. To see your friends, the people you've grown up with, fall in love, get married, have kids, sharing a life with someone, and not doing it yourself can be a bit depressing.
AND THAT'S OKAY!!! Because, here is the deal. These desires, the longings, and the wants are natural. It is human nature to want to fall in love and start a family. It's normal to see everyone else further along than you and be a little freaked out. It's fine to aspire to love and be loved. Love is a wonderful thing!!! The issue is when you can't find the balance. I would love to fall in love, but that doesn't mean I'm going to, and I'm learning to acknowledge that. I have amazing friends, a wonderful family, big dreams, and career goals (sorta), and I'm not going to give all that up. I'm not putting my life on hold while I wait for someone. I'm not planning my life around the "could be's". I really am finding myself, and learning to fall in love with who I am, but I'm also accepting that sometimes you can't control all of your feelings.
The guy I have been crushing on for a couple years is in a semi-official relationship (in case you haven't picked up on it, it's not with me), and I keep seeing the lucky girl every freaken where I go. It sorta sucks. I'm kind of happy for them, while also feeling like my heart is breaking in two every time I think about it. The worst part, though, is the frustration I have been feeling for myself for feeling that way. I've invested two years of thoughts, feelings, hopes, and way too many conversations into this fellow, and yet I expect myself to just not care? That's unrealistic.
If I was able to just stop all the emotions toward him, then I probably never felt anything real in the first place. There is that quote that says "It's better to have loved and lost then never have loved at all" and while I wouldn't say I was in love with him, I kinda get where the quote is heading. I would prefer to have never had feelings for a guy I will never have, but I also recognize that one of the miraculous parts of being a human is feelings, emotions, and relationships on all levels, and I'm glad I get to experience that.
I know this post is sorta long, and kind of all over the place, but I really do have a point. I think it's important to love yourself. You need to know who you are, what you believe, and like yourself before you can really invest in others or accept their investments in you (and that goes for all types of relationships). I think it's okay to be single on Valentine's Day, and that celebrating yourself and your friends is awesome, but I also think it's okay to not want to be single. There is no need to be ashamed of who you are and how you feel, and that means owning up to all your emotions (the good, bad, and undesirable). I know that I have friends and family that love me. I believe I have a heavenly Father that sees me and loves me, and that is too great of a thing to put into words. I know great things can happen in my life; I want to seek after all I can; I refuse to put my life on hold waiting for what may never come in the way I want; but that doesn't mean I can't still want a man to fall in love with. Fall in love with yourself, but never stop feeling what you are feeling.
