#Ididitagain

Y'all, I did it again... I went out on a limb and did something a little dumb and a little reckless and told a guy that I was kind of in to him. I then found my self internally screaming "WHY DO I DO THESE THINGS!?!?". Why? Why do I put myself out there? Why I feel the need to let others know? And why don't others do this more?

See, once again, I don't regret my action. Was I a little disappointed in the response I got? Yes. Was I secretly wishing for something else? Heck yes. But am I happy I did it anyway? Incredibly so.

I've never fully understood why our culture considers it such a taboo to let people know you're crushing on them, or you think they are attractive, or heck, even that you think they are cool and want to be their friend! Why is this such a no-no? Why do we care so much? Well, I don't know the answer. I think a lot of it has to do with us being afraid to be vulnerable. We are terrified to put ourselves out there. We see it as reckless to expose our feelings to others, especially when we aren't positive they will return them.

Rejection sucks. It stings, it makes you sad, and it makes you doubt yourself. But for me, rejection doesn't hurt quite like the not knowing. I would rather a guy say to my face, or through a text message, that he doesn't feel the same way then to ponder for hours, days, or even weeks if the guy I'm into could possibly return the feelings. I don't want to waste my time. I don't want to hide my thoughts. I don't want to be anxious that they will notice before I'm ready for them to. I want to put it out there. I want them to know. I want there to be no wondering or miscommunication. I hate the not knowing.

Also, I want someone to know when I see them. That goes beyond my crushes as well. If I think someone is beautiful, I tell them. If I like what someone is wearing, then I let them know. When we did presentations in my classes then I was the one to tell people I enjoyed theirs, and mean it. I want people to know that they are seen, and that they are appreciated. If I want someone to be my friend then I let them know. If I like their makeup, their hair, think they are nice, or funny, then I am going to let them know. And so why is it so shocking that this carries over into my "love" life? Life is too short to not let people know they are amazing and beautiful. Death comes to fast to not let your feelings be known. Regrets last longer than rejection, and knowledge breaks the chains of not knowing. So take those risks! Tell other people how you feel and what you think. Be recklessly vulnerable once in your life.

I want to leave you with this image/quote. I found it on the Pinterest the day after I told the guy that I like that I liked him and it basically summed up how I feel on this. 

#GoodGoodFather

I've not written in awhile. I apologize. I know that everyone out there is deeply offended, because going through life with out my amazing input must be difficult. It was rude of me, and I will try to do better.

This year has been crazy, and it's only March. I lost my grandfather at the end of last year. He had been sick for years, but it was still hard. I graduate in May, and so this semester has been focused on figuring out future life plans and soaking up the last little bit of time I conveniently have my friends around. Death struck again though, and at the begging of this month I lost my dad. He died of a massive heart attach at the age of 55, the same age his mom passed of the same cause. It sucks. It's hard, and the pain isn't something that just dissolves after a few weeks. I miss him in random moments. This week it's primarily been when I'm walking on campus by myself, the times I used to call him. I wasn't going to write about losing my father. It's personal. However, I can write about it easier than I can talk about it, and I need to get it out there.  

Me and my dad at Easter 2016.

Friends and family keep checking in on me. Asking how I'm doing and how I'm feeling, which is very sweet. I never really know what to say though. I'm doing good, fine really. I'm still easily distracted and a bit forgetful. I have noticed myself not having the greatest patience and being quick to anger. I'm sad, but not always. I have the most incredible support system, but I don't really know what I need. I miss him. And it sucks and it's not fair, but I'm also at peace which makes no since. See, I know my dad is in heaven.The day his body failed, his spirit continued. I know my dad closed his eyes here on earth and met Jesus. He was able to see his mom again, and his dad, and that brings me such great joy. But I still miss him. My dad was saved. He knew God, he knew Jesus, and we were able to share his salvation story at his funeral.

Y'all, knowing my dad is in heaven brings me such comfort and peace, but that doesn't mean I don't hate that he is not here. He will never see me graduate, and that's probably what I'm having the hardest time with right now.

My dad gave me my high school diploma since he graduated from
the same school.  

 He won't be here to meet the person I fall in love with, walk me down the aisle, or meet any grandchildren my brother or myself give him. It's selfish, I want him here to experience my milestones. But, I think it's a good selfish. I love my dad and that is why sharing these big events mean so much. I hurt though. I hurt for myself, for my brother, for my stepmom, for my dad's twin, and for my baby cousin that adored my dad. I hurt for my family, and for my church, because there is a hole where my dad used to be. I look forward to seeing my family, but I dread the absence of my dad that is so obvious at these events. But, isn't it such a blessing to know that my dad was loved that he is missed? Is it not such a joy to know that others are saddened by his absence? Is it not such a testament to the kind of man he was?

My dad loved his farm. This is his horse Red.

Death sucks, and grief is hard, but even Jesus wept (John 11:35). Jesus mourned the loss of a dear friend, and I will mourn the loss of my earthly father. However, I want you to know that I am also rejoicing. I'm rejoicing because my God is so, so good. I'm rejoicing because my father had a salvation story. I'm rejoicing because at the beginning of the funeral my uncle leaned over and asked me if knowing where my daddy was, would I want to bring him back and I was able to say with confidence no. No. I don't want to rip him from heaven. No I don't want him to have to return to this life after having met Jesus. No I wouldn't want to do that to him. Do I wish he was here? Yes, with every fiber of my being, but not at the expense of leaving heaven. 

I rejoice because I have a good, good Father. I rejoice because I can see His hand in every piece of the story. I rejoice because I know He loves me. I rejoice because I know he loved me. I rejoice because there is still so much to be thankful for. I rejoice because I know that one day I will see my father again. I rejoice because my God is great, and even in the midst of storms He loves me.

I can not imagine going through what I am without my faith. I can't imagine doing this without my God. The day after my dad's funeral I flew to another state to join other college students serving college students on spring break. For a week I was able to take part in giving free van rides and free pancakes so that we can share the love God has for us to His children. I was able to actively see God move and I was able to witness people love Him. I was able to serve others instead of focusing on myself and it was amazing. The beach helped as well. But, I share that in order to say this: Death sucks, but Jesus conquered death two thousand years ago from a wooden cross, and because of His sacrifice I am able to find joy and peace even among the pain and grief.
Philippians 4:4-7 

One of my favorites of us. Wasn't he a handsome man?