#beggingtobelieve

I was at a church recently and during a prayer, before the sermon was even given, one of the leaders made the statement that “some of us are begging our souls to believe that You are good.” My whole body wants to gasp at the statement. It sounds like it’s toeing the line of appropriateness. It sounds filled with doubt and struggling to have faith. It seems like something a Christian shouldn’t say... and yet I wanted to weep when it was said, stand up on a chair and yell “he’s talking about me!”. I felt seen. I felt exposed. I was hurt and rejoicing all at once and I’m not even sure I would have said that’s how I was feeling in that moment but I have been there so many times it was instant relief.

I kind of feel like I’m back in that mindset though... or slipping back into it at least. I “know” God is good all the time and all the time God is good but I am not exactly “feeling” His goodness right now. I am not understanding His ways that are better than mine and I do not have the patience for His perfect timing. Is that okay? No, no it really isn’t. But, it’s also real.

I feel stuck and overwhelmed all at once. I’m not really sure where God is leading me in life but I sure do feel like He is taking what feels like the most indirect route to get me there. It’s like I’ve been climbing up and down boulders, hills, and mountains for a while now and every time I reach what I think is flat land He points ahead to the next challenge.

A lot of people have it worse than me. I don’t have a hard life compared to most. I am incredibly fortunate and blessed and I forget those facts often. Life isn’t easy though. My life isn’t easy though. And sometimes I look at it and all I see is a mess and it’s all I can do to look up at my Father and ask why? Arms stretched wide, desperate for an answer I can hold on to, I beg Him to tell me why. Why did I have to lose my dad? Why does my body constantly fail me? Why is my family not in church? Why can’t my mom find a job? Why don’t I know what I need to do? Why doesn’t he love me back? Why wasn’t my friendship enough for her? Why do I feel so anxious and sad no matter how much I find joy in you? Do you really have a plan? Is it actually going to happen? Can I really trust you?

I know as I’m typing all this that “I’m not supposed to ask these questions”. I know it shows a lack of faith and a lot of self centered thinking, but I also know that it’s where I’m at. I know that the stress and the worry of trying to believe that God is good all the time is exhausting and counter productive. I know that God is telling me to only be still and I am trying to learn what that means. But until then I’m begging Him to help my soul believe that He is good and I think that’s a request that God is big enough to handle.

#Let'sGetReal

The realness of my depression hits when I’m no longer able to read and write.

When drawing sounds exhausting, words no longer make sense, and writing a simple paragraph feels like an impossible task... that’s when I realize I can no longer ignore the feeling inside my chest.

I’m held captive by the effects of a disease that can’t be seen, and it feels impossibly constricting and overwhelming to simply be me.

When the things that brought me joy and distracted me from the world, can no longer hold my attention, I can only turn to the Word. 
I know Christ is better. I know that He redeems, but when I’m in that darkness sometimes He actually feels like the enemy.

My savior and redeemer, my father and my friend, feels like the villain in my life story, a story with no end.

It’s scary and ugly, the feelings I face inside, when I feel like Jesus is no longer my God, when it seems like He is no longer by my side.

Forgotten, abandoned and broken, worthless, a waste of time.

All the lies that the demons of my heart whisper in my mind.

God brings joy.

He is light. 

But sometimes my human heart forgets and tries to hide. 

Ashamed and confused. Exhausted and believing all the lies.

My lonely heart abandons the only thing that keeps it healthy and alive.

It’s difficult and exhausting, trying to hide, the unbelief that comes when you can’t lay down your pride. 

When you try to save yourself, casting God aside. 

Thinking depression is a force you are strong enough to fight. 

The waves becomes too rough, the waters begin to rise, and that sinking feeling in your chest overtakes your life.

It’s easy to forget, hard to understand, why the lifeguard who walks on water would want to hold your hand. 

The lighthouse you abandoned, the captain who controls the seas, is your savior and redeemer, the everlasting king. 

Abandoned and forgotten, yet He never left your side. 

Those moments of loneliness were when you bought the devils lies. 

His light never faded, 

He heard all of your cries.

My cries. 

He heard all of my cries. 

Never lost or abandoned. 

I have nothing to hide. 

Because the God that walks by my side already knows everything about my life. 

Me fears, my shames, my missteps, and backslides will never be enough to make him turn an eye. 

In the darkest of depressions, when all that can be done is to cry, 

still Jesus is faithful, my only hope of light.