#loveaprostitue

I'm at that age where everyone is getting engaged, married, or reproducing. Incase you aren't aware, I am not one of these people. However, being a college aged female, potential future husbands/weddings are frequent conversation topics. My typical answer to what I want my future husband to be is a rugby playing, lumber-sexual looking, Scottish, God loving man who is open to the idea of missions and adoption. I know what you are probably thinking, this type of man is super easy to find right!?! No... That's not what you're thinking?
Hmmm.... Awkward.
For real though, while finding that "ideal" man would be fabulous, it's not my actual ultimate goal. My actual goal can be summed up by this letter I wrote to the possible future man who gets stuck with me (if you are reading this future husband; you're welcome). 

Dear Future Husband,

I hope you love prostitutes. I hope you befriend drug dealers, criminals, and politions. I hope you regularly dine with homosexuals, atheist, and people from nations you've never visited. I pray you serve others like it is your job. I pray that for you, to live is Christ and to die is gain. I hope that if we are blessed with children, rather by birth or adoption, your priority for their lives is not to lavish them with every thing they request or desire but rather to fully and whole direct them to Christ. I hope that you pray. Now, the day of our wedding, for our kids, before every meal, every morning, every night, for our family and for strangers, I hope you talk more to God then you talk to me. 

I hope every decision on your life is centered around one question; is this what God wants me to do? I pray your goal in life is to follow God's will, even when it might not be exactly what you envisioned. 

I hope you love prostitutes. Because, to love is to see the face of God. I hope you befriend drug dealers, criminals, and politions, because Jesus said that what you do for the least of these you do for me. I hope you regularly dine with homosexuals, athiest, and people from nations you've never visited because the Bible instructed you to love your neighbor, and when Jesus was asked who a neighbor was His reply wasn't the people you've grown up with, live next too, or are similar to you, it was the person others walked by. See, my ultimate hope and prayer for you is that you love God. I pray He is the center of our relationship and that everything you do is only to grow closer to Him.
Future husband, thank you for being my friend, thank you for loving me, but more so thank you for being a man who exemplifies Christ.

Love,
Your Future Wife

Ultimately, when/if I ever do marry, I don't want people to tell me I choose well or I am lucky because of my husbands looks, job, or abilities. I want people to look at my husband and say "wow, that is a man after God's own heart." That is what I truly desire.

#boobs

When I was in the 6th grade I was invited to a pool party. Obviously I was excited, because who doesn't enjoy a fun birthday party on the weekends? I was wondering who else got invited, because it was for a boy's birthday. Because nothing is a secret in middle school, I found out it was a group of 10-12 guys, me, and one other girl. That's it. 10-12 boys and 2 girls. I didn't think this was weird then. The guy whose birthday it was wasn't super good friends with a ton of girls, and we were pretty close.

But, a couple days before the party the girl came up to me. One of the boys invited had informed her that we were the only two girls invited from the grade because we had the biggest boobs. 

Let me repeat that. In the 6th grade I was invited to a birthday party not because of my friendship with the birthday kid, or because I was a nice girl, or funny, or someone liked me, but because I had some of the biggest boobs in the grade.  In the 6th grade I was essentially told that the reason a group of people wanted me around was because of my BREAST SIZE!!!

Now I know, I know what some of you are probably thinking. I was in middle school and it was middle school boys, what else could I expect, right? Wrong. See my 6th grade self was insecure over my chest size. I was awkward and uncomfortable, and yet I was being told that these things I saw as an embarrassing nuisance where what made me valuable. And I was being told this by my peers, my friends, the people I thought I was close to. Our culture is obsessed with telling us that our bodies, our level of "sexiness", this is what we are good for. 

Take Hardy's for example. Hardy's or what ever other name it's known by, uses women to sell food. Don't believe me? Look up their commercials. They use girls, beautiful women, scantly clad, "sexed up" to sell burgers. Why do they do this? Well, it works. Hardy's, beer ads, perfume commercials, all of these use sex and women as a tool to sell their products. 

I'm not blaming Hardy's for why my boobs dictated if I was invited to a party. I'm also not blaming 12 year old boys for being a product of their culture. Because that's what these things are, they are reflections of a sex and body image obsessed, women objectifying culture. 

Young girls are taught to hate their bodies. They are insecure, shy, uncomfortable in their own skin, and we keep asking why. It's not hard to figure out. So often we reduce girls and women to nothing more than their bodies. We don't see a whole person with thoughts, feelings, intelligence, and abilities, but a physical being we rate on a socially constructed scale of beauty. For 2 summers one of my closest friends worked at a bank. For two summer she got tired of hearing the same comment made by complete strangers over and over again. These strangers, her customers and new co workers did not comment on her work ability, her attitude, her carefully chosen outfits, how nice and polite she was, or her intelligence, but rather over and over she had people comment on how skinny she was! She repeatedly heard comments such as "Wow, you are so small!", "you are so skinny.", "look how tiny you are." Over and over she was reduced to nothing more than the size of her body, like that was the only thing worth noting about her.

I'm sure people thought it was a compliment. I know they probably meant it that way, because "skinny" is what so many people strive for. The guys that decided I should be invited to the pool party because of my bra size probably thought I should be flattered as well. But, neither of us were. My friend doesn't hate her size by any means, but it has been a source of insecurity in the past. It's a frustration for her when shopping at times, and a discomfort at the doctors. I don't hate my chest, but in middle school it was embarrassing and I felt wrong because of it.

Can I get super real with you for a moment? I already had super low self esteem in middle school, but this party invention made middle school me think my self worth was tied to my body. It made me think that what would make guys like me wasn't how kind, loving, or thoughtful, or anything personality wise I could be, but rather how physically attractive they saw me as. I thought I needed to be "sexy" in order to be liked. I thought that if they found me appealing then they would find me important. I thought my body was the only thing that mattered.

This lead to even lower self esteem as my body changed. I thought I was ugly and no guys would ever like me because I carried more weight then the other girls. I stopped growing height wise in the 5th grade and the other girls shot up in later middle school. So, in 8th grade, even ninth grade, I just viewed myself as a short, fat, and therefor ugly person. I could not understand why people wanted to be around me. Why should guys like me when my body wasn't "right"? I can distinctly remembering a time in middle school where my thought process when getting dressed was to hide my stomach, cover my thighs, but show off my boobs and butt. I thought those were the only "good" parts about me.

I still struggle with insecurities over my bodies and over guys. However, my confidence has drastically improved as I've gotten older. No longer do I define myself by my bra size, or waist size, or my perceived "sex appeal". No longer does my body determine who I am. I now long to be healthier, not skinnier. I want clothes that flatter me and fit me well, but also help me maintain a certain level of modesty. Bodies are not bad, but my body is not all that I am.

I went to the pool party. At the last minute more girls were invited. I don't know if this was from embarrassment because me and the other girl found out their motive for our invites, or because they were pressured by the girls to include them as well. It was a fun party though, I enjoyed it! But, looking back I can see how much it impacted me. I can see how much one stupid decision made my stupid middle school boys would change the way I thought about myself for the next several years.

I want a culture shift. I wish I didn't have to hear any more stories from mothers talking about how their daughters are uncomfortable with their bodies. I wish my friends could see how beautiful they truly are instead of looking in a mirror and hating what they see. I wish their body insecurities were not voiced more then their self love. I wish their body insecurities didn't exist. I wish that sex did not sell, and women knew that their worth was not found in how attractive a man finds them.

Can these things be changed? Can we have this culture shift? Honestly, I don't know. But that doesn't mean we shouldn't try. A party invitation influenced the way I thought about myself for years, so I clearly believe little things can make a big difference. Now, I am trying to see bodies less and people more. I try to encourage girls to be proud of their bodies no matter the shape of size. I try to compliment my friends and strangers on things that aren't their body. A practical list of what could maybe help you or your friends that also want this culture shift:

1. Don't negatively comment on your body in the presence of younger girls.
2. Try to give 3 compliments to yourself for every 1 negative comment you make on your body. Try to encourage your friends to do the same.
3. If there is something about a persons body you find yourself wanting to comment on, try to find a non physical thing to comment first... or instead of.
4. Let negative body talk leave your vocabulary. About your own body, but also about others.
5. Encourage your friends. Tell them how beautiful they are. Comment positively about them. Comment positively about their bodies, but let them know they are more than that.

Will these 5 little things change the world and culture? No, but it's a start.

#ThingsMyAnxietySaidICouldn'tDo

I would like to present to you "things my anxiety told me I couldn't do" or "anxiety is a liar"

1. Make phone calls.
2. Order in a drive through by myself.
3. Walk across the main quad on campus.
4. Talk to a stranger.
5. Compliment a stranger.
6. Pray out loud.
7. Pray for others.
8. Leave a comment on a blog or YouTube video.
9. Breathe.
10. Ask a question in class.
11. Answer a question in class.
12. Workout in the school fitness center.
13. Give a 25 minute class presentation on behalf of a group.
14. Where socks under my Chocos wherever I want.
15. Play any sports.
16. Text a friend.
17. Apply for a job.
18. Be a leader.
19. Sit through interviews.
20. Conduct interviews.
21. Share my opinion in small groups.
22. Sing in a car with people I don't know super well.
23. Drive on the interstate.
24. Get my lisence.
25. Be in a picture.
26. Recieve a compliment.
27. Kill a bug. 
28. Confront someone.
29. Tell someone I like them.
30. Make friends.
31. Tell people what I want to do in my life.
32. Go on a plane.
33. Go on a cruise.
34. Share anything personal.
35. Admit my struggles.
36. Talk to a doctor.
37. Ask for help.
38. Begin taking anxiety medication after a series of panic attacks.

Anxiety lies. It's controlling, and it's a bully. It sucks for those that have it, and those that are around them. All these things, and others, have been difficult for me. Some of them still are. I basically have to script out phone calls with strangers before I can call. I can order at sonic, because I can see inside, it have only ever ordered at a drive through by myself one other time in my life. I've flown on planes, and plan to ride on more, but I still avoid sports. Anxiety doesn't have to rule your life. Mental illness, what ever it may be, doesn't have to be a silent battle. Letting others in can be terrifying. Medication is not the best option for everyone, but don't let stigmas or fear of judgement hold you back from recieving the help you need. 

#NotPretty

When you're 5ft 2 and fat no one calls you pretty. You're cute, or precious, maybe adorable, but never pretty. Well, I've decided it's time for a public service announcement.

I'm 5 ft 2 and fat, and I want to thank you for never calling me pretty. Because I'm so much more than that. I say my ocean spirit animal is a manatee. They're fat, misunderstood, and kind of awkward. Sailors used to mistake them for mermaids when they saw them swimming along beside their ships. Manatees aren't pretty, they are freaken majestic! They are magical in their misunderstoodness (I know that's probably not a word, but just go with me). Manatees used to be mistaken for MERMAIDS! Do you understand that? These fat, slightly awkward but never pretty creatures used to be mistaken for what is often considered a gorgeous mythical creature. Sailors loved them because they were a source of happiness; they thought they were entertaining, gentle, and kind... Not pretty.

I'm not pretty. I'm intelligent. I'm brave. I'm kind. I'm gentle. I'm a good listener and a good friend. I'm cute, funny, awkward, adorable, and precious, but I'm also freaking fabulous. I'm not simply pretty, I'm gorgeous in my own right. The one people don't also see the beauty in at first because there are other things I demand you must take notice of. I'm not defined by a 6 letter word. I'm not what the media defines as attractive, I'm not a model, I'm not a size 2. I'm not pretty, and I thank God I'm not, because I'm so much more than that!

#LITTLETEN

Y'all!!! This is my 10th post!!!! That means I have written and posted 10 whole blogs! I know to most people this probably isn't a very big deal, but I'm so excited to have stuck with something this long. I love what this blog has become for me, and how it's shaping up. I really hope some one is getting something out of the blogs I've shared, but honestly I am just so #proud of myself and what I have accomplished (I know, it's just a measly 10 post, but IT'S THE LITTLE THINGS!!!). In fact, that is what this post is dedicated to! I would like to present all of you wonderful mythical readers with 10 little things in my life that I love!

1. Makeup
2. Desserts
3. Travelling

4. FanFiction

5. Tattoos

6. Other Blogs

7. Dream Catchers

8. Bathbombs

9. Books

10. YouTube

If you have made it this far, then I want to thank you from the depths of my heart! Honestly this post probably isn't the greatest 10th Post of all time, but I wanted to share a little more info about me  and the things I love. Also, this post does serve another purpose... All the lovely little things listed above are motivation for more post to come!!! Sneak peaks if you will! Thank you for reading, and I hope you will stick around for the adventure!

#TheGreenOne

It's the last day of March!!! My goodness, has the month flown! This month has been filled with some crazy ups, some slight downs, and a few fun holidays. I'm not sure if you are aware of this or not, but I like super love me some holidays. A couple of weeks ago we celebrated Easter, and before that we had St. Patrick's Day. While I'm not Catholic, I am a Christian, and I love these two holidays. This post though, is dedicated to the good ole green one. While I firmly believe Easter is a very important and sacred holiday, I want to discuss St. Patrick's Day (and since it's my blog, I think I shall).

If you have grown up in the USA, Ireland, or the UK, then I'm going to assume you probably have a pretty good idea what this holiday is about, but just in case you aren't sure what the beautiful holiday is about, then this is a pretty good brief history.

I go crazy on St. Patrick's Day. I deck out in my green, and honestly the day just fills me with joy. My friends think I'm crazy, but I think there are just so many reasons to love the holiday and so, in my normal style, I would now like to present you with a list of why St. Patrick's day is an absolutely wonderful and lovely day (in my humble opinion):

1. Everything is Green!!!! I love green. It is one of my favorite colours and so often under appreciated and I just kind of love how everything gets covered in it on this day. Traditionally in Ireland, as far as I have read, green represoented the Catholics, Orange the Protestants, and the white on the Irish flag is the unity between the two. However, here in the US, pretty much everyone just flows with the green and I'm kind of a fan.
2. Ireland is beautiful. I've never gotten to visit the lovely Eire myself, but I love Ireland. I love the country, I love the people, I love the landscapes I have seen pictures of, and I love the history!
3. It's a part of who I am. America is, or has, been known as the melting pot, and this is so true for my family. While I'm not exactly diverse looking, my ancestry is a mix of nations. I'm blessed enough to have an aunt who is incredibly interested in our family history and has traced it back hundreds of years. The story goes that we have at least one ancestor that lived in Ireland. She became known as Fanny when she came to the US, because no one could pronounce her actual name. She had gone down to see the ships come into harbor one day in Ireland, and she was kidnapped and brought to America and sold off. As a servant, a maid, a wife, I'm not entirely sure, but as tragic as the story is I wouldn't be here without her. So, I see her life alone as reason to celebrate Ireland.
4. I have this super cool friend that is a competitive Irish dancer and this is a day when we both get to be extra geeky and proud. Irish dancing is incredible! If you are interested at all, then I highly suggest the documentary Jig, as a way to dip your toes into the unbelievable culture. Irish Dancers kick butt, and I am forever amazed and awed when I watch them perform. St. Patrick's Day is one guaranteed to be showing off the dancers, and while I know it probably wears them out, I think it's so awesome that they receive the exposure and appreciation they deserve.
5. The reason for the holiday. Like I said, I'm not Catholic, nor am I directly from Ireland. St. Patrick and his story most likely don't directly affect me. However, as a Christian, I am awed by his tale. Essentially he was a missionary, and he is basically fully credited with bring Christianity to Ireland! I have a big heart for missions. It's something I'm super passionate about, and fully support. I think I'm kind of in love with the idea that so many people celebrate St. Patrick and therefore keep sharing him and what he did through out history, even though so many probably don't understand. Most people in the US basically see the day as an excuse to drink green beer and party, but as long as they are celebrating then there are others questioning what the day is actually about and the stories get told, and I think that is indescribable. While Easter followed St. Patrick's day quite closely, and on that day us Christians celebrate some one and something so much more amazing to our world and to Christianity then little ole St. Patrick, I still am glad we celebrate him and perhaps through him other missionaries throughout all the world and all time.

If you couldn't tell, I really love this day. And, just as a little bonus, I thought I would include some pictures I took of the lovely day.

I would just like to share that I legit set up a whole gnome photo shoot for this. I was super proud, extremely excited, and kind of freaking my friends out. I really like gnomes.

I'm aware that this is not a very great, nor is it a flattering picture, but I was so proud of myself for getting my socks in the picture that I don't even care. Look at that outfit!!!

All decorations (and socks) bought at Hobby Lobby.

I hope you were able to enjoy the holidays this past month. Did you do anything exciting? Do you have a favorite holiday? I would love to know! Thanks for spending time on me!

#insecurities

When I was in middle school I had a "best" friend. I thought she was really cool and funny and thought she enjoyed being around me too. One day I started to walk into the bathroom at a drama camp we were both at to hear her telling someone else how she thought I was super annoying, not talented, and wished I hadn't signed up for the camp. Let me repeat, this was in MIDDLE SCHOOL. I'm in college, and I can still remember this particular event. For years it's what lead me to constantly ask my friends "Am I getting on your nerves?", "If I'm annoying you can just to tell me okay?", "You promise you don't think I'm obnoxious?". 

I'm going to be honest, even now I catch myself pretty frequently asking similar questions, or "Are you mad at me? Have I upset you?". I basically constantly fear that my friends don't want to be around me. I trick myself into believing they are doing it out of obligation, not out of want. I tell myself lies such as "They don't actually want you to come to..", "You're a crappy friend.", "They are only hanging out with you because of pity.", and many other various harsh variations. I get nervous asking friends to do things with me. I feel like my text to them are obnoxious. I doubt if they actually meant to invite me to things, and I worry about what they say when I'm not around.

I know I shouldn't be so insecure because of what a silly middle school girl said to me years ago. But, I also battle an anxiety disorder. There for a lot of times I know the thoughts I have regarding my friendships probably have no sound reasoning, but I can't always make them go away. My anxiety amplifies my insecurities and it can be a lot to handle. I often need reassurance from my friends that they like me and want to spend time with me, which is a big request to make from even your closest of friends. Thankfully most of my friends understand that this is something I struggle with, and so they are pretty cool with it. That doesn't make it disappear, but it does make it easier to handle.

Partially because of my anxiety, I'm not always the most dependable and I tend to bail. I'm easily overwhelmed by large groups, new places, or new experiences and I don't always follow through. On bad days, or days when I'm stressed out, I really get lost in my own head and I can seem kind of moody. That also happens if there is simply something I'm thinking about such as a story I was reading, homework I need to do at some point, or what I'm going to cook later. I often worry about annoying people if I text them, so I'm not always good at staying in contact with people. I'm pretty sarcastic, and can come off as kind of mean because of this (which is something that I'm honestly trying to work on, just not always something I catch until it's too late). I can be a handful, but can't we all?  I love deeply, I care a lot about my friends, and I really enjoy spending time with them, so why can't I believe they feel the same way towards me?

It's improving. I've gotten better, more confident and assured as I've gotten older. I have a couple friends I almost never worry about, and that number continues to grow and the worries get smaller. I'm more in control of my anxiety and I'm pretty self aware, but the reason I wanted to share all this (and believe me it was not an easy decision) is because it's hard to deal with. I know I'm not the only one that has some of the struggles. I hope that maybe by sharing how I feel, others might feel less alone, or like they can better understand themselves. But, I also want to share some of my feelings, and what can help me. If you are like me, maybe you will find some comfort, and if you have a friend like me, maybe you will find some understanding. 

1. I'm aware that my constant questions about being annoying or making you mad, might in fact annoy your or make you mad. But I need reassurance sometimes, and a simple "No, you never annoy me." or "I enjoy being around you." can really change my mood.
2. I don't want to bail on you. In fact, I'm worried that because I said no to something you will never ask me to do anything again, but for whatever reason I don't feel like I can handle this event. Ask me anyways. Invite me again. Don't force me, or guilt trip me, but let me know you would like for me to come but understand if I don't. I promise I will say yes to something one day, and I will have an amazing time with you.
3. If I am being ridiculous, obnoxious, or mean, please let me know. If I have upset you, or offended you, let's discuss it. I have literally lost sleep over not knowing why a friend seemed frustrated with me. I won't get mad if you kindly call me out, because if I realize later that I did something then I will worry much longer that you resent me for it.
4. If you don't hear from me for awhile, hit me up. Chances are, I've been thinking a lot about you, but haven't worked up enough courage to send you a text.
5. When I seem spaced out, not present for a while, or maybe a bit down, please don't take it personally. I get really caught up in my own head sometimes. I'm probably not mad at you or anything, in fact I'm probably just replaying something I said or did or playing out future conversation in my head. I overthink too much. 
6. I don't want to be this way. If I could just stop it, I would. Please be patient with me. Please don't give up. I can be a really good friend, I just need to know you're in it for the long run.
7. Know that when I tell you I love you, or that I enjoy spending time with you, I really mean it. I'm not always the most trusting, but if you matter to me then I try really hard to let you know. Just know it's not a silly compliment I'm throwing around, but something I honestly mean.
8. I appreciate you putting up with me. Like the previous number stated, I really value those that I love. I know I'm not always the easiest one to be friends with. On the opposite side, I know some of my friends that read this might not see all that I'm talking about. A lot of my struggle is in my head, and you might not always be aware, but I value you either way.

Spend time with your friends. Let them know you appreciate them. Everyone likes a reminder that they are important to others, and you can never love too much. I'm not sure if this post will help anyone else, but I genuinely hope it does. This post was especially difficult for me, but it's something that's been on my mind for awhile so there you go. Thanks!

#ValentinesPost

When I first decided to do a post on Valentine's Day I planned to make it all about self love and appreciation, cheers to being single, and how I was going to be my own Valentine this year. I wanted to start with an introduction praising my Valentine for being funny, smart, sweet, and sexy and then hit with the shocker that my Valentine this year is me. I was going to talk about how I refuse to be upset that I'm single on Valentine's Day and how great it is that I can treat myself on such a day. I wanted to talk about being a strong independent woman; maybe even share the story I told my campers this summer of the princess that didn't need saving! I wanted to explain how I firmly believe that until you love yourself, how can you expect anyone else to love you? I wanted to share my theory on finding yourself, falling in love with who you are, and then finding someone that just adds to the greatness that already exists! I wanted other young single women to read my post and feel inspired and uplifted. 

And all that is true and awesome and wonderful... Except it's not the full story of how I feel. Because you see, while I am a strong independent women who doesn't NEED a man, I still want one. While I have had an amazing two days hanging out with other single girls and celebrating Valentine's Day by being cool with being single, I still would have preferred a date. While I believe I'm one of the funniest people I know, and I have days where I can and do acknowledge that I'm intelligent, kind, and beautiful in my own way, I also have days where I'm not the biggest fan of myself. Sometimes it's hard to find my worth. Sometimes I hate being single. Sometimes I see couples and I long for what they have that I haven't ever experienced. And, here is the real kicker, feeling all that is completely okay!

I don't know if I will ever fall in love with someone. I don't know if I will have the cute relationship, the hard times, the wedding of my dreams, and a long life with someone I love who also loves me back. There are moments where I hate not knowing that. There are times when I fear that I will never meet someone that loves me for me, get married, and have the 8 kids I want. It's terrifying not knowing. It sucks to be in college and never have been kissed, or been asked on a date. To see your friends, the people you've grown up with, fall in love, get married, have kids, sharing a life with someone, and not doing it yourself can be a bit depressing.
AND THAT'S OKAY!!! Because, here is the deal. These desires, the longings, and the wants are natural. It is human nature to want to fall in love and start a family. It's normal to see everyone else further along than you and be a little freaked out. It's fine to aspire to love and be loved. Love is a wonderful thing!!! The issue is when you can't find the balance. I would love to fall in love, but that doesn't mean I'm going to, and I'm learning to acknowledge that. I have amazing friends, a wonderful family, big dreams, and career goals (sorta), and I'm not going to give all that up. I'm not putting my life on hold while I wait for someone. I'm not planning my life around the "could be's". I really am finding myself, and learning to fall in love with who I am, but I'm also accepting that sometimes you can't control all of your feelings.

The guy I have been crushing on for a couple years is in a semi-official relationship (in case you haven't picked up on it, it's not with me), and I keep seeing the lucky girl every freaken where I go. It sorta sucks. I'm kind of happy for them, while also feeling like my heart is breaking in two every time I think about it. The worst part, though, is the frustration I have been feeling for myself for feeling that way. I've invested two years of thoughts, feelings, hopes, and way too many conversations into this fellow, and yet I expect myself to just not care? That's unrealistic. If I was able to just stop all the emotions toward him, then I probably never felt anything real in the first place. There is that quote that says "It's better to have loved and lost then never have loved at all" and while I wouldn't say I was in love with him, I kinda get where the quote is heading. I would prefer to have never had feelings for a guy I will never have, but I also recognize that one of the miraculous parts of being a human is feelings, emotions, and relationships on all levels, and I'm glad I get to experience that. 
I know this post is sorta long, and kind of all over the place, but I really do have a point. I think it's important to love yourself. You need to know who you are, what you believe, and like yourself before you can really invest in others or accept their investments in you (and that goes for all types of relationships). I think it's okay to be single on Valentine's Day, and that celebrating yourself and your friends is awesome, but I also think it's okay to not want to be single. There is no need to be ashamed of who you are and how you feel, and that means owning up to all your emotions (the good, bad, and undesirable). I know that I have friends and family that love me. I believe I have a heavenly Father that sees me and loves me, and that is too great of a thing to put into words. I know great things can happen in my life; I want to seek after all I can; I refuse to put my life on hold waiting for what may never come in the way I want; but that doesn't mean I can't still want a man to fall in love with. Fall in love with yourself, but never stop feeling what you are feeling.

#buttsongs

Yesterday I let the roommate convince me to accompany her to the gym. For her it was butt day, BUT for me it was basically torture. However, at the end of it I decided there are too many great butt songs in this world to not have a play list for the next time I decide to venture into a fitness center with her. So, here I present to you, my ultimate:
 Big Booty: Butt Appreciation Playlist

                                                 1. "Baby Got Back" by Sir Mix-A-Lot

                                        2. "Honky Tonk Badonkadonk" by Trace Adkins

3. "Fat Bottomed Girls" by Queen 

(The Glee version of this is one of my favorites!)

4. "Bootylicious" by Desiny's Child

5. "No Hands" by Waka Flocka

6. "Anaconda" Nicki Minaj

7. "All About That Bass" by Meghan Trainor

8. "Ms. New Booty" by Bubba

9. "Lose Control" by Missy Elliot

10."Wiggle" by Jason Derulo ft Snoop Dog

11. "Hips Don't Lie" by Shakira

(Okay, so this one isn't technically about Butts, but it's close enough!)

12. "Thong Song" by Sisqo

13. "My Humps" by the Black Eyed Peas

14. "Low" by Flo Rida

15. "Booty" by Jennifer Lopez ft. Iggy Azalea

16. "Mamma do the Hump" by Rizzle Kicks

There you go, 16 fun songs to enjoy while working on your booty!

#camplife

This past summer I did something that was completely out of my comfort zone. It was simultaneously one of the most challenging and one of the most rewarding things I have ever experienced. This past summer I worked as a camp counselor.

I don't know what your experience with summer camp has been, but mine was pretty much limited to watching "The Parent Trap" when I was younger. I literally had no clue what to expect. The camp is multiple states away from where I live, and I only knew one other person in the beginning. There were days where I wanted to quit. I cried on a weekly basis. I was sick with bronchitis for about 6 of the 9 weeks. A horse stepped on my foot the first day of the first week. It was emotionally, physically, mentally, and spiritually exhausting. But, I wouldn't change the experience for anything. As difficult and challenging as it could be, it was so rewarding, exciting, uplifting, gratifying, and educational. I loved it, and I can't wait to return to camp next summer.

I officially agreed a couple weeks ago to return to my camp in June, and I'm already getting so pumped. So I figured, since it's on my mind anyways, I might as well share some of the things I learned this past summer.

Things I learned as a Camp Counselor:

1. How to make a One Match Fire (yes this deserves to be capitalized).
2. A camp song for almost every occasion, and these can never be too loud when you are around a fire.
3. Patience in times of exhaustion. I was a co-counselor for typically 6-8 girls ages 9-12.
4. Obedience. This was the theme of our cabin.
5. The intelligence of children. I have worked with preschoolers before, and I know kids are smarter than what we typically give them credit for, but they also understand way more about life than we are often willing to believe.
6. The key to a perfect tin foil dinner. (Hint: it's lots of butter.)
7. How to follow God's direction. I hadn't originally planned on being a camp counselor, and I fully believe it was a God thing I ended up there.
8. How to be brave in times you feel scared, strong in times you feel weak, calm in moments you feel anxious, and joyous in times you feel downtrodden.
9. The smallest actions can change even the most difficult child's attitudes (at least for a bit).
10. We serve a super big God. Like I'm talking crazy big. Being in His creation day after day, meeting His children week after week, and hearing the stories of what He is doing and has done in countless lives just changed me in ways I had not anticipated or could have ever prepared for. It was amazing, and awe-inspiring, and I can not wait for smores, horses, and the fellowship (and friendships!!!) that come with camp!!!