When I was in the 6th grade I was invited to a pool party. Obviously I was excited, because who doesn't enjoy a fun birthday party on the weekends? I was wondering who else got invited, because it was for a boy's birthday. Because nothing is a secret in middle school, I found out it was a group of 10-12 guys, me, and one other girl. That's it. 10-12 boys and 2 girls. I didn't think this was weird then. The guy whose birthday it was wasn't super good friends with a ton of girls, and we were pretty close.
But, a couple days before the party the girl came up to me. One of the boys invited had informed her that we were the only two girls invited from the grade because we had the biggest boobs.
Let me repeat that. In the 6th grade I was invited to a birthday party not because of my friendship with the birthday kid, or because I was a nice girl, or funny, or someone liked me, but because I had some of the biggest boobs in the grade. In the 6th grade I was essentially told that the reason a group of people wanted me around was because of my BREAST SIZE!!!
Now I know, I know what some of you are probably thinking. I was in middle school and it was middle school boys, what else could I expect, right? Wrong. See my 6th grade self was insecure over my chest size. I was awkward and uncomfortable, and yet I was being told that these things I saw as an embarrassing nuisance where what made me valuable. And I was being told this by my peers, my friends, the people I thought I was close to. Our culture is obsessed with telling us that our bodies, our level of "sexiness", this is what we are good for.
Take Hardy's for example. Hardy's or what ever other name it's known by, uses women to sell food. Don't believe me? Look up their commercials. They use girls, beautiful women, scantly clad, "sexed up" to sell burgers. Why do they do this? Well, it works. Hardy's, beer ads, perfume commercials, all of these use sex and women as a tool to sell their products.
I'm not blaming Hardy's for why my boobs dictated if I was invited to a party. I'm also not blaming 12 year old boys for being a product of their culture. Because that's what these things are, they are reflections of a sex and body image obsessed, women objectifying culture.
Young girls are taught to hate their bodies. They are insecure, shy, uncomfortable in their own skin, and we keep asking why. It's not hard to figure out. So often we reduce girls and women to nothing more than their bodies. We don't see a whole person with thoughts, feelings, intelligence, and abilities, but a physical being we rate on a socially constructed scale of beauty. For 2 summers one of my closest friends worked at a bank. For two summer she got tired of hearing the same comment made by complete strangers over and over again. These strangers, her customers and new co workers did not comment on her work ability, her attitude, her carefully chosen outfits, how nice and polite she was, or her intelligence, but rather over and over she had people comment on how skinny she was! She repeatedly heard comments such as "Wow, you are so small!", "you are so skinny.", "look how tiny you are." Over and over she was reduced to nothing more than the size of her body, like that was the only thing worth noting about her.
I'm sure people thought it was a compliment. I know they probably meant it that way, because "skinny" is what so many people strive for. The guys that decided I should be invited to the pool party because of my bra size probably thought I should be flattered as well. But, neither of us were. My friend doesn't hate her size by any means, but it has been a source of insecurity in the past. It's a frustration for her when shopping at times, and a discomfort at the doctors. I don't hate my chest, but in middle school it was embarrassing and I felt wrong because of it.
Can I get super real with you for a moment? I already had super low self esteem in middle school, but this party invention made middle school me think my self worth was tied to my body. It made me think that what would make guys like me wasn't how kind, loving, or thoughtful, or anything personality wise I could be, but rather how physically attractive they saw me as. I thought I needed to be "sexy" in order to be liked. I thought that if they found me appealing then they would find me important. I thought my body was the only thing that mattered.
This lead to even lower self esteem as my body changed. I thought I was ugly and no guys would ever like me because I carried more weight then the other girls. I stopped growing height wise in the 5th grade and the other girls shot up in later middle school. So, in 8th grade, even ninth grade, I just viewed myself as a short, fat, and therefor ugly person. I could not understand why people wanted to be around me. Why should guys like me when my body wasn't "right"? I can distinctly remembering a time in middle school where my thought process when getting dressed was to hide my stomach, cover my thighs, but show off my boobs and butt. I thought those were the only "good" parts about me.
I still struggle with insecurities over my bodies and over guys. However, my confidence has drastically improved as I've gotten older. No longer do I define myself by my bra size, or waist size, or my perceived "sex appeal". No longer does my body determine who I am. I now long to be healthier, not skinnier. I want clothes that flatter me and fit me well, but also help me maintain a certain level of modesty. Bodies are not bad, but my body is not all that I am.
I went to the pool party. At the last minute more girls were invited. I don't know if this was from embarrassment because me and the other girl found out their motive for our invites, or because they were pressured by the girls to include them as well. It was a fun party though, I enjoyed it! But, looking back I can see how much it impacted me. I can see how much one stupid decision made my stupid middle school boys would change the way I thought about myself for the next several years.
I want a culture shift. I wish I didn't have to hear any more stories from mothers talking about how their daughters are uncomfortable with their bodies. I wish my friends could see how beautiful they truly are instead of looking in a mirror and hating what they see. I wish their body insecurities were not voiced more then their self love. I wish their body insecurities didn't exist. I wish that sex did not sell, and women knew that their worth was not found in how attractive a man finds them.
Can these things be changed? Can we have this culture shift? Honestly, I don't know. But that doesn't mean we shouldn't try. A party invitation influenced the way I thought about myself for years, so I clearly believe little things can make a big difference. Now, I am trying to see bodies less and people more. I try to encourage girls to be proud of their bodies no matter the shape of size. I try to compliment my friends and strangers on things that aren't their body. A practical list of what could maybe help you or your friends that also want this culture shift:
- Don't negatively comment on your body in the presence of younger girls.
- Try to give 3 compliments to yourself for every 1 negative comment you make on your body. Try to encourage your friends to do the same.
- If there is something about a persons body you find yourself wanting to comment on, try to find a non physical thing to comment first... or instead of.
- Let negative body talk leave your vocabulary. About your own body, but also about others.
- Encourage your friends. Tell them how beautiful they are. Comment positively about them. Comment positively about their bodies, but let them know they are more than that.
Will these 5 little things change the world and culture? No, but it's a start.
