Thursday, May 31, 2018

#ToBeAPartner

Life update: I’m a Starbucks Barista and have been for almost a year now. It’s been an interesting journey. Like most jobs there are days where I enjoy it more than others. Working for such a large corporation has its ups and downs. Honestly, I am extremely thankful for the lessons and experience I’ve gained working for Starbucks. 

Tuesday Starbucks did something it never does. It shut down for half a day. Incase you aren’t aware, most stores don’t even close for Christmas... or any holiday... so it’s a pretty big deal. Unless you managed to avoid the news then you probably know why Starbucks closed down for a half day. Yesterday all partners in they US received racial bias training. This was in response to an incident that happened in Philadelphia earlier this year. Two black men entered a Starbucks and waited on a third man to arrive for a business meeting. One of the men asked to use the restroom and was told that it was for paying customers only. The two men had intentions to buy Starbucks but, as people often do, were waiting on their third company to arrive. The men had the police called on them and were arrested for trespassing. I will link some of the news stories below to give a timeline of the event and all that has happened since.

I want to make something clear before I go any further. I believe that what happened to these men is ridiculous, humiliating, and shameful. They were causing no problems they should not have been arrested, and everything about the situation was wrong on Starbucks’s end. When this first made news and Starbucks announced that it would be closing its doors for a day to educate its partners on racial bias I was impressed. I was excited to hear such an immediate response and one that wasn’t just an apology but actual action as well. I was hopefully optimistic about how the day would go and what Starbucks would put together. They worked with different prominent black community members, they had Former Attorney General Eric H. Holder Jr. review the materials, and Sherrilyn Ifill of the NAACP Legal Defense and Educational Fund Inc. gave advice on the curriculum that was developed. Famous artist Common was one of the ones brought in to talk in the videos, and documentary filmmaker Stanley Nelson Jr.  was an active part in making some of the videos that were shown during the training.

All of this is good. These are great things! And yet, I still feel like the whole thing missed the mark just a bit. I left the meeting frustrated with what Starbucks put together. Disappointed that they missed some important opportunities, and also feeling like some big issues were not addressed well.

Let me make something clear. I am white. (Like Casper the friendly ghost white) and I know that I will never understand what it is like to be a racial minority. My thoughts and opinions on the training are my own and do not reflect anyone’s experience but mine. I know that people with different backgrounds might have a different perspective on the training and I want to respect that. However, I also want to be honest in what I experienced and that is all this is.

I didn’t love the training. I actually got incredibly frustrated during it. The set up wasn’t the best in practicality, and I feel like Starbucks left some important people out of the discussion.

I know some people feel like the training wasn’t Starbucks job anyway. There are those that feel like it’s not an employers job to teach its employees to not be racist. People feel like Starbucks should be teaching its partners about coffee... not how to not be offensive. I disagree, but I do understand this argument. Should a company have to teach its employees to not be racist? No... but unfortunately that doesn’t mean it’s not needed. However this was issue number one. Trying to teach grown men and women to “not be racist” by having them to attend a four hour training session at their place of work  probably isn’t the best way to accomplish the task. Maybe I’m just being pessimistic but I feel like the people that probably got the most from the training we’re probably pretty open people to begin with. I know that Starbucks didn’t expect to “change the world” with their training but I’m also not sure it was completely approached with believable expectations either.
The way the training was set up at our store, and I’m lead to believe it was supposed to be the same at all, was that we were split into groups given some written materials and an iPad. We each had small booklets to answer question in and write down thoughts in. We had some giant newspaper type papers to answer questions in as a group, which also had the transcriptions of the videos in it. And, we had to watch multiple videos on the iPad. So, for example, our group was 8 adults gathered around an iPad to watch videos while to other groups roughly the same size watched the same videos but slightly timed differently on either side. Can you picture it? Do you see where this is slightly problematic? About 20 minutes into it our group and another both had to move. We couldn’t pay attention and the feedback of the other iPads sounded similar to being at a sporting event when the announcer echos. So we moved. But then we still couldn’t hear. You couldn’t see super well. While the IPads were a generous and smart idea, in actuality they were difficult to use in a way that all could see and hear. So those are my main issues with the physical structure of the training.

Actual material wise is a little more difficult to talk about. I don’t want to offend anyone. I know that some people were really moved, inspired, and even encouraged by the training. I know many people spent a lot of time and effort on this training and also I realize I’m not a professional. The majority of the material in the training session was not new to me. I have a degree in Sociology. A lot of this information I’ve heard and discussed while in college, and I realize not everyone had this same type of informational experiences. Having this degree doesn’t make me a professional though. This is still just my opinion and my take on the whole experiences. 

My largest issues with the training was that unless if I’m mistaken all the material was put together by Starbucks people meeting with leaders in the black community. So the majority of the people that put the material together were white or black. That’s it. White or black. No other POC leaders involved. The training was essentially and almost entirely focused on black and white racial biases. There were a couple of questions and exposes that could have been more generally applied but the majority of the material was still focused in this way. Starbucks had an incredible opportunity and I feel like they didn’t fully utilize it. Why weren’t leaders from all sorts of minority groups called together? Why was this not really acknowledged? I don’t think black people are the only ones who experience negative racial bias. I don’t think they are the only people group to feel excluded or be racially profiled but I feel like they were the only group the training focused on. Let me emphasize once again that the dynamics of the training made it hard to pay attention, view, and hear at all times so it is possible that I missed something big... but I don’t think I did. 

The store I work at is primarily white partners. As in all but three employees of around 30 are white. One of the partners at our store is Mexican. I can’t speak for her, but I know she mentioned during the training that she didn’t feel represented. The questions were geared towards getting you to focus on the differences in a black persons experiences and a white persons. The documentary that showed the history of racism in America showed the history of racism toward blacks in America. This is important, but blacks people aren’t the only one to have experienced this. Where was the Asian representation? The Native, the Hispanic, the Middle Eastern? I didn’t see it. It wasn’t there.

Black lives matter. There are no buts or ands. Black lives matter. Black people deserve representation. They deserve equal rights. They deserve to not be treated like second class citizens, to be in fear of how people see or view them, to worry about the police. Black people do not deserve to be arrested for no reason. They deserve a good and just and equal life. 

Racial bias training should cover all racial minorities. There are no buts or ands. We are not a country of two races. We are not a company that serves only black people or white people. We are a company that doesn’t want to discriminate or cause offense. The training was about how to make all feel welcomed. To make Starbucks a third place. I think that should apply to all races, all groups, all minorities... and so I’m frustrated that this didn’t feel covered.

My last issues with the training was that it didn’t truly acknowledge the faults in policy. The way the employee that called the police on the two black men in Philadelphia was able to “justify” their decision is because Starbucks had a policy that said if you are going to hang out in Starbucks you have to buy something. Starbucks changed the policy after the incident so that something similar never happens again... but the policy was there. It existed. There was a reason for it, but it was partially at fault. 

One of the examples given for us to discuss in the training was from a partner that said he served a customer with a thick accent. He struggled to understand the customers order and had to ask him to repeat it several times. Then, as is Starbucks policy, he asked the man for his name. Starbucks wants us to know our customers by name to make them feel welcomed to give them a one on one experience and to make it easier to give out drinks. The partner struggled to understand the customers order and asking several times for him to repeat ended up just saying in a laughing manor “I’m just going to call you Bob.” We we’re supposed to discus what could have been done differently, and why this was wrong. It is racially insensitive. You don’t just get to give someone a name that is easy for you because theirs is a name you are not accustomed to. It’s not an appropriate response. 

However, I feel like the issue is also because of policy. I’m going to be honest. When I have a customer that has a thick accent and I struggle to understand their order I don’t ask their name. I don’t do this because I don’t want to get to know them or to make their experiences special and personalized. I do this because after asking multiple customers for their name that had an accent I realized the frustration that occurred. I have had customers pull out their id’s because they know I will not understand them. I’ve had customers shake their head and walk away because they know it will take to many times of them repeating for me to understand and they don’t want to deal with it. I’ve had customers get embarrassed because I asked them how to spell their name and they don’t know the English letters. They can recognize their name but not tell you how to spell it. I’ve had customers that don’t understand what I’m asking them and get nervous because they don’t know what’s going on. Asking for their name does not improve their experience. It makes it worse. It’s a little policy. It’s one that is often ignored to be honest, but it does exist. I wish more of the training discussed how policy isn’t perfect, that they taught their employees to use discretion, to ask for back up or advise when they are unsure about a situation. 
Another example was given of a woman who approached a man and told him pan handling was not allowed on the property. It was a man and he was asking a woman for money. They didn’t look like they were together and his description was given to show how the partner was judging him based off of his looks. When she made this comment to him the women he was requesting money from responded “that’s my husband.” We all laughed at this example because of the awkwardness the partner must have felt. They were probably embarrassed and didn’t know what to do after. The example was trying to show their bias, but I took issue with the example because the partner was doing what policy states. Pan handling isn’t allowed on property. This is done for the comfort of our customers and their safety. The partner observed a situation incorrectly but the partner also responded in the appropriate manor to what they believed was going on. Yes they shouldn’t judge, but also if the man was panhandling and the partner saw and did nothing they could have gotten in trouble. Policies like that situation I tell someone higher up about. We have an issue with smokers outside our store even though we have numerous signs and it’s against the law to smoke on our property. I never tell a customer to stop smoking. I tell a shift lead, or the manager and let them handle the situation... but the policy still exists. I wish that part of the training had dealt with policy issues and Starbucks acknowledging faults that exist in policy.

Overall I’m glad I got to participate in the training. I’m glad that Starbucks took the initiative to respond the way they did... but like most new things it wasn’t perfect. It could be improved. It could have been done better. The intentions were right and just and well intended... but we have to stop waiting for serious issues to occur to respond. We have to take initiative. We have to take action. We need to not have to teach grown adults to not be racist or offensive by teaching children this their whole lives. 

I want to emphasize one last time that all the above is just my opinion and my experience. Yes I am a partner, but this doesn’t reflect the views and feelings of all partners. It doesn’t even reflect the experiences of everyone in my store. I also acknowledge that I don’t know what it’s like to be a black person viewing this training. I don’t know what it’s like to be on the other side of racism and then to finally have your experience represented in this training... I just wish other POC and minority experiences were  represented as well.


Below I’ve included a variety of links covering different parts of this story. I tried to include a variety of news outlets and aspects of the story.










Wednesday, August 30, 2017

#Ididitagain

Y'all, I did it again... I went out on a limb and did something a little dumb and a little reckless and told a guy that I was kind of in to him. I then found my self internally screaming "WHY DO I DO THESE THINGS!?!?". Why? Why do I put myself out there? Why I feel the need to let others know? And why don't others do this more?

See, once again, I don't regret my action. Was I a little disappointed in the response I got? Yes. Was I secretly wishing for something else? Heck yes. But am I happy I did it anyway? Incredibly so.
I've never fully understood why our culture considers it such a taboo to let people know you're crushing on them, or you think they are attractive, or heck, even that you think they are cool and want to be their friend! Why is this such a no-no? Why do we care so much? Well, I don't know the answer. I think a lot of it has to do with us being afraid to be vulnerable. We are terrified to put ourselves out there. We see it as reckless to expose our feelings to others, especially when we aren't positive they will return them.

Rejection sucks. It stings, it makes you sad, and it makes you doubt yourself. But for me, rejection doesn't hurt quite like the not knowing. I would rather a guy say to my face, or through a text message, that he doesn't feel the same way then to ponder for hours, days, or even weeks if the guy I'm into could possibly return the feelings. I don't want to waste my time. I don't want to hide my thoughts. I don't want to be anxious that they will notice before I'm ready for them to. I want to put it out there. I want them to know. I want there to be no wondering or miscommunication. I hate the not knowing.

Also, I want someone to know when I see them. That goes beyond my crushes as well. If I think someone is beautiful, I tell them. If I like what someone is wearing, then I let them know. When we did presentations in my classes then I was the one to tell people I enjoyed theirs, and mean it. I want people to know that they are seen, and that they are appreciated. If I want someone to be my friend then I let them know. If I like their makeup, their hair, think they are nice, or funny, then I am going to let them know. And so why is it so shocking that this carries over into my "love" life? Life is too short to not let people know they are amazing and beautiful. Death comes to fast to not let your feelings be known. Regrets last longer than rejection, and knowledge breaks the chains of not knowing. So take those risks! Tell other people how you feel and what you think. Be recklessly vulnerable once in your life.


I want to leave you with this image/quote. I found it on the Pinterest the day after I told the guy that I like that I liked him and it basically summed up how I feel on this. 



Thursday, March 23, 2017

#GoodGoodFather

I've not written in awhile. I apologize. I know that everyone out there is deeply offended, because going through life with out my amazing input must be difficult. It was rude of me, and I will try to do better.
This year has been crazy, and it's only March. I lost my grandfather at the end of last year. He had been sick for years, but it was still hard. I graduate in May, and so this semester has been focused on figuring out future life plans and soaking up the last little bit of time I conveniently have my friends around. Death struck again though, and at the begging of this month I lost my dad. He died of a massive heart attach at the age of 55, the same age his mom passed of the same cause. It sucks. It's hard, and the pain isn't something that just dissolves after a few weeks. I miss him in random moments. This week it's primarily been when I'm walking on campus by myself, the times I used to call him. I wasn't going to write about losing my father. It's personal. However, I can write about it easier than I can talk about it, and I need to get it out there.  
Me and my dad at Easter 2016.
Friends and family keep checking in on me. Asking how I'm doing and how I'm feeling, which is very sweet. I never really know what to say though. I'm doing good, fine really. I'm still easily distracted and a bit forgetful. I have noticed myself not having the greatest patience and being quick to anger. I'm sad, but not always. I have the most incredible support system, but I don't really know what I need. I miss him. And it sucks and it's not fair, but I'm also at peace which makes no since. See, I know my dad is in heaven.The day his body failed, his spirit continued. I know my dad closed his eyes here on earth and met Jesus. He was able to see his mom again, and his dad, and that brings me such great joy. But I still miss him. My dad was saved. He knew God, he knew Jesus, and we were able to share his salvation story at his funeral.
Y'all, knowing my dad is in heaven brings me such comfort and peace, but that doesn't mean I don't hate that he is not here. He will never see me graduate, and that's probably what I'm having the hardest time with right now.
My dad gave me my high school diploma since he graduated from
the same school.  

 He won't be here to meet the person I fall in love with, walk me down the aisle, or meet any grandchildren my brother or myself give him. It's selfish, I want him here to experience my milestones. But, I think it's a good selfish. I love my dad and that is why sharing these big events mean so much. I hurt though. I hurt for myself, for my brother, for my stepmom, for my dad's twin, and for my baby cousin that adored my dad. I hurt for my family, and for my church, because there is a hole where my dad used to be. I look forward to seeing my family, but I dread the absence of my dad that is so obvious at these events. But, isn't it such a blessing to know that my dad was loved that he is missed? Is it not such a joy to know that others are saddened by his absence? Is it not such a testament to the kind of man he was?
My dad loved his farm. This is his horse Red.
Death sucks, and grief is hard, but even Jesus wept (John 11:35). Jesus mourned the loss of a dear friend, and I will mourn the loss of my earthly father. However, I want you to know that I am also rejoicing. I'm rejoicing because my God is so, so good. I'm rejoicing because my father had a salvation story. I'm rejoicing because at the beginning of the funeral my uncle leaned over and asked me if knowing where my daddy was, would I want to bring him back and I was able to say with confidence no. No. I don't want to rip him from heaven. No I don't want him to have to return to this life after having met Jesus. No I wouldn't want to do that to him. Do I wish he was here? Yes, with every fiber of my being, but not at the expense of leaving heaven. 
I rejoice because I have a good, good Father. I rejoice because I can see His hand in every piece of the story. I rejoice because I know He loves me. I rejoice because I know he loved me. I rejoice because there is still so much to be thankful for. I rejoice because I know that one day I will see my father again. I rejoice because my God is great, and even in the midst of storms He loves me.
I can not imagine going through what I am without my faith. I can't imagine doing this without my God. The day after my dad's funeral I flew to another state to join other college students serving college students on spring break. For a week I was able to take part in giving free van rides and free pancakes so that we can share the love God has for us to His children. I was able to actively see God move and I was able to witness people love Him. I was able to serve others instead of focusing on myself and it was amazing. The beach helped as well. But, I share that in order to say this: Death sucks, but Jesus conquered death two thousand years ago from a wooden cross, and because of His sacrifice I am able to find joy and peace even among the pain and grief.
Philippians 4:4-7 
One of my favorites of us. Wasn't he a handsome man?

Tuesday, November 1, 2016

#loveaprostitue

I'm at that age where everyone is getting engaged, married, or reproducing. Incase you aren't aware, I am not one of these people. However, being a college aged female, potential future husbands/weddings are frequent conversation topics. My typical answer to what I want my future husband to be is a rugby playing, lumber-sexual looking, Scottish, God loving man who is open to the idea of missions and adoption. I know what you are probably thinking, this type of man is super easy to find right!?! No... That's not what you're thinking?
Hmmm.... Awkward.
For real though, while finding that "ideal" man would be fabulous, it's not my actual ultimate goal. My actual goal can be summed up by this letter I wrote to the possible future man who gets stuck with me (if you are reading this future husband; you're welcome). 

Dear Future Husband,

I hope you love prostitutes. I hope you befriend drug dealers, criminals, and politions. I hope you regularly dine with homosexuals, atheist, and people from nations you've never visited. I pray you serve others like it is your job. I pray that for you, to live is Christ and to die is gain. I hope that if we are blessed with children, rather by birth or adoption, your priority for their lives is not to lavish them with every thing they request or desire but rather to fully and whole direct them to Christ. I hope that you pray. Now, the day of our wedding, for our kids, before every meal, every morning, every night, for our family and for strangers, I hope you talk more to God then you talk to me. 

I hope every decision on your life is centered around one question; is this what God wants me to do? I pray your goal in life is to follow God's will, even when it might not be exactly what you envisioned. 

I hope you love prostitutes. Because, to love is to see the face of God. I hope you befriend drug dealers, criminals, and politions, because Jesus said that what you do for the least of these you do for me. I hope you regularly dine with homosexuals, athiest, and people from nations you've never visited because the Bible instructed you to love your neighbor, and when Jesus was asked who a neighbor was His reply wasn't the people you've grown up with, live next too, or are similar to you, it was the person others walked by. See, my ultimate hope and prayer for you is that you love God. I pray He is the center of our relationship and that everything you do is only to grow closer to Him.
Future husband, thank you for being my friend, thank you for loving me, but more so thank you for being a man who exemplifies Christ.

Love,
Your Future Wife

Ultimately, when/if I ever do marry, I don't want people to tell me I choose well or I am lucky because of my husbands looks, job, or abilities. I want people to look at my husband and say "wow, that is a man after God's own heart." That is what I truly desire.

Wednesday, October 5, 2016

#boobs

When I was in the 6th grade I was invited to a pool party. Obviously I was excited, because who doesn't enjoy a fun birthday party on the weekends? I was wondering who else got invited, because it was for a boy's birthday. Because nothing is a secret in middle school, I found out it was a group of 10-12 guys, me, and one other girl. That's it. 10-12 boys and 2 girls. I didn't think this was weird then. The guy whose birthday it was wasn't super good friends with a ton of girls, and we were pretty close.

But, a couple days before the party the girl came up to me. One of the boys invited had informed her that we were the only two girls invited from the grade because we had the biggest boobs. 


Let me repeat that. In the 6th grade I was invited to a birthday party not because of my friendship with the birthday kid, or because I was a nice girl, or funny, or someone liked me, but because I had some of the biggest boobs in the grade.  In the 6th grade I was essentially told that the reason a group of people wanted me around was because of my BREAST SIZE!!!

Now I know, I know what some of you are probably thinking. I was in middle school and it was middle school boys, what else could I expect, right? Wrong. See my 6th grade self was insecure over my chest size. I was awkward and uncomfortable, and yet I was being told that these things I saw as an embarrassing nuisance where what made me valuable. And I was being told this by my peers, my friends, the people I thought I was close to. Our culture is obsessed with telling us that our bodies, our level of "sexiness", this is what we are good for. 

Take Hardy's for example. Hardy's or what ever other name it's known by, uses women to sell food. Don't believe me? Look up their commercials. They use girls, beautiful women, scantly clad, "sexed up" to sell burgers. Why do they do this? Well, it works. Hardy's, beer ads, perfume commercials, all of these use sex and women as a tool to sell their products. 

I'm not blaming Hardy's for why my boobs dictated if I was invited to a party. I'm also not blaming 12 year old boys for being a product of their culture. Because that's what these things are, they are reflections of a sex and body image obsessed, women objectifying culture. 

Young girls are taught to hate their bodies. They are insecure, shy, uncomfortable in their own skin, and we keep asking why. It's not hard to figure out. So often we reduce girls and women to nothing more than their bodies. We don't see a whole person with thoughts, feelings, intelligence, and abilities, but a physical being we rate on a socially constructed scale of beauty. For 2 summers one of my closest friends worked at a bank. For two summer she got tired of hearing the same comment made by complete strangers over and over again. These strangers, her customers and new co workers did not comment on her work ability, her attitude, her carefully chosen outfits, how nice and polite she was, or her intelligence, but rather over and over she had people comment on how skinny she was! She repeatedly heard comments such as "Wow, you are so small!", "you are so skinny.", "look how tiny you are." Over and over she was reduced to nothing more than the size of her body, like that was the only thing worth noting about her.

I'm sure people thought it was a compliment. I know they probably meant it that way, because "skinny" is what so many people strive for. The guys that decided I should be invited to the pool party because of my bra size probably thought I should be flattered as well. But, neither of us were. My friend doesn't hate her size by any means, but it has been a source of insecurity in the past. It's a frustration for her when shopping at times, and a discomfort at the doctors. I don't hate my chest, but in middle school it was embarrassing and I felt wrong because of it.

Can I get super real with you for a moment? I already had super low self esteem in middle school, but this party invention made middle school me think my self worth was tied to my body. It made me think that what would make guys like me wasn't how kind, loving, or thoughtful, or anything personality wise I could be, but rather how physically attractive they saw me as. I thought I needed to be "sexy" in order to be liked. I thought that if they found me appealing then they would find me important. I thought my body was the only thing that mattered.

This lead to even lower self esteem as my body changed. I thought I was ugly and no guys would ever like me because I carried more weight then the other girls. I stopped growing height wise in the 5th grade and the other girls shot up in later middle school. So, in 8th grade, even ninth grade, I just viewed myself as a short, fat, and therefor ugly person. I could not understand why people wanted to be around me. Why should guys like me when my body wasn't "right"? I can distinctly remembering a time in middle school where my thought process when getting dressed was to hide my stomach, cover my thighs, but show off my boobs and butt. I thought those were the only "good" parts about me.

I still struggle with insecurities over my bodies and over guys. However, my confidence has drastically improved as I've gotten older. No longer do I define myself by my bra size, or waist size, or my perceived "sex appeal". No longer does my body determine who I am. I now long to be healthier, not skinnier. I want clothes that flatter me and fit me well, but also help me maintain a certain level of modesty. Bodies are not bad, but my body is not all that I am.

I went to the pool party. At the last minute more girls were invited. I don't know if this was from embarrassment because me and the other girl found out their motive for our invites, or because they were pressured by the girls to include them as well. It was a fun party though, I enjoyed it! But, looking back I can see how much it impacted me. I can see how much one stupid decision made my stupid middle school boys would change the way I thought about myself for the next several years.

I want a culture shift. I wish I didn't have to hear any more stories from mothers talking about how their daughters are uncomfortable with their bodies. I wish my friends could see how beautiful they truly are instead of looking in a mirror and hating what they see. I wish their body insecurities were not voiced more then their self love. I wish their body insecurities didn't exist. I wish that sex did not sell, and women knew that their worth was not found in how attractive a man finds them.

Can these things be changed? Can we have this culture shift? Honestly, I don't know. But that doesn't mean we shouldn't try. A party invitation influenced the way I thought about myself for years, so I clearly believe little things can make a big difference. Now, I am trying to see bodies less and people more. I try to encourage girls to be proud of their bodies no matter the shape of size. I try to compliment my friends and strangers on things that aren't their body. A practical list of what could maybe help you or your friends that also want this culture shift:

  1. Don't negatively comment on your body in the presence of younger girls.
  2. Try to give 3 compliments to yourself for every 1 negative comment you make on your body. Try to encourage your friends to do the same.
  3. If there is something about a persons body you find yourself wanting to comment on, try to find a non physical thing to comment first... or instead of.
  4. Let negative body talk leave your vocabulary. About your own body, but also about others.
  5. Encourage your friends. Tell them how beautiful they are. Comment positively about them. Comment positively about their bodies, but let them know they are more than that.
Will these 5 little things change the world and culture? No, but it's a start.

Saturday, July 9, 2016

#ThingsMyAnxietySaidICouldn'tDo

I would like to present to you "things my anxiety told me I couldn't do" or "anxiety is a liar"

  1. Make phone calls.
  2. Order in a drive through by myself.
  3. Walk across the main quad on campus.
  4. Talk to a stranger.
  5. Compliment a stranger.
  6. Pray out loud.
  7. Pray for others.
  8. Leave a comment on a blog or YouTube video.
  9. Breathe.
  10. Ask a question in class.
  11. Answer a question in class.
  12. Workout in the school fitness center.
  13. Give a 25 minute class presentation on behalf of a group.
  14. Where socks under my Chocos wherever I want.
  15. Play any sports.
  16. Text a friend.
  17. Apply for a job.
  18. Be a leader.
  19. Sit through interviews.
  20. Conduct interviews.
  21. Share my opinion in small groups.
  22. Sing in a car with people I don't know super well.
  23. Drive on the interstate.
  24. Get my lisence.
  25. Be in a picture.
  26. Recieve a compliment.
  27. Kill a bug. 
  28. Confront someone.
  29. Tell someone I like them.
  30. Make friends.
  31. Tell people what I want to do in my life.
  32. Go on a plane.
  33. Go on a cruise.
  34. Share anything personal.
  35. Admit my struggles.
  36. Talk to a doctor.
  37. Ask for help.
  38. Begin taking anxiety medication after a series of panic attacks.
Anxiety lies. It's controlling, and it's a bully. It sucks for those that have it, and those that are around them. All these things, and others, have been difficult for me. Some of them still are. I basically have to script out phone calls with strangers before I can call. I can order at sonic, because I can see inside, it have only ever ordered at a drive through by myself one other time in my life. I've flown on planes, and plan to ride on more, but I still avoid sports. Anxiety doesn't have to rule your life. Mental illness, what ever it may be, doesn't have to be a silent battle. Letting others in can be terrifying. Medication is not the best option for everyone, but don't let stigmas or fear of judgement hold you back from recieving the help you need. 

Monday, June 13, 2016

#NotPretty

When you're 5ft 2 and fat no one calls you pretty. You're cute, or precious, maybe adorable, but never pretty. Well, I've decided it's time for a public service announcement.

I'm 5 ft 2 and fat, and I want to thank you for never calling me pretty. Because I'm so much more than that. I say my ocean spirit animal is a manatee. They're fat, misunderstood, and kind of awkward. Sailors used to mistake them for mermaids when they saw them swimming along beside their ships. Manatees aren't pretty, they are freaken majestic! They are magical in their misunderstoodness (I know that's probably not a word, but just go with me). Manatees used to be mistaken for MERMAIDS! Do you understand that? These fat, slightly awkward but never pretty creatures used to be mistaken for what is often considered a gorgeous mythical creature. Sailors loved them because they were a source of happiness; they thought they were entertaining, gentle, and kind... Not pretty.

I'm not pretty. I'm intelligent. I'm brave. I'm kind. I'm gentle. I'm a good listener and a good friend. I'm cute, funny, awkward, adorable, and precious, but I'm also freaking fabulous. I'm not simply pretty, I'm gorgeous in my own right. The one people don't also see the beauty in at first because there are other things I demand you must take notice of. I'm not defined by a 6 letter word. I'm not what the media defines as attractive, I'm not a model, I'm not a size 2. I'm not pretty, and I thank God I'm not, because I'm so much more than that!