The realness of my depression hits when I’m no longer able to read and write.
When drawing sounds exhausting, words no longer make sense, and writing a simple paragraph feels like an impossible task... that’s when I realize I can no longer ignore the feeling inside my chest.
I’m held captive by the effects of a disease that can’t be seen, and it feels impossibly constricting and overwhelming to simply be me.
When the things that brought me joy and distracted me from the world, can no longer hold my attention, I can only turn to the Word.
I know Christ is better. I know that He redeems, but when I’m in that darkness sometimes He actually feels like the enemy.
My savior and redeemer, my father and my friend, feels like the villain in my life story, a story with no end.
It’s scary and ugly, the feelings I face inside, when I feel like Jesus is no longer my God, when it seems like He is no longer by my side.
Forgotten, abandoned and broken, worthless, a waste of time.
All the lies that the demons of my heart whisper in my mind.
God brings joy.
He is light.
But sometimes my human heart forgets and tries to hide.
Ashamed and confused. Exhausted and believing all the lies.
My lonely heart abandons the only thing that keeps it healthy and alive.
It’s difficult and exhausting, trying to hide, the unbelief that comes when you can’t lay down your pride.
When you try to save yourself, casting God aside.
Thinking depression is a force you are strong enough to fight.
The waves becomes too rough, the waters begin to rise, and that sinking feeling in your chest overtakes your life.
It’s easy to forget, hard to understand, why the lifeguard who walks on water would want to hold your hand.
The lighthouse you abandoned, the captain who controls the seas, is your savior and redeemer, the everlasting king.
Abandoned and forgotten, yet He never left your side.
Those moments of loneliness were when you bought the devils lies.
His light never faded,
He heard all of your cries.
My cries.
He heard all of my cries.
Never lost or abandoned.
I have nothing to hide.
Because the God that walks by my side already knows everything about my life.
Me fears, my shames, my missteps, and backslides will never be enough to make him turn an eye.
In the darkest of depressions, when all that can be done is to cry,
still Jesus is faithful, my only hope of light.
