#beggingtobelieve

I was at a church recently and during a prayer, before the sermon was even given, one of the leaders made the statement that “some of us are begging our souls to believe that You are good.” My whole body wants to gasp at the statement. It sounds like it’s toeing the line of appropriateness. It sounds filled with doubt and struggling to have faith. It seems like something a Christian shouldn’t say... and yet I wanted to weep when it was said, stand up on a chair and yell “he’s talking about me!”. I felt seen. I felt exposed. I was hurt and rejoicing all at once and I’m not even sure I would have said that’s how I was feeling in that moment but I have been there so many times it was instant relief.

I kind of feel like I’m back in that mindset though... or slipping back into it at least. I “know” God is good all the time and all the time God is good but I am not exactly “feeling” His goodness right now. I am not understanding His ways that are better than mine and I do not have the patience for His perfect timing. Is that okay? No, no it really isn’t. But, it’s also real.

I feel stuck and overwhelmed all at once. I’m not really sure where God is leading me in life but I sure do feel like He is taking what feels like the most indirect route to get me there. It’s like I’ve been climbing up and down boulders, hills, and mountains for a while now and every time I reach what I think is flat land He points ahead to the next challenge.

A lot of people have it worse than me. I don’t have a hard life compared to most. I am incredibly fortunate and blessed and I forget those facts often. Life isn’t easy though. My life isn’t easy though. And sometimes I look at it and all I see is a mess and it’s all I can do to look up at my Father and ask why? Arms stretched wide, desperate for an answer I can hold on to, I beg Him to tell me why. Why did I have to lose my dad? Why does my body constantly fail me? Why is my family not in church? Why can’t my mom find a job? Why don’t I know what I need to do? Why doesn’t he love me back? Why wasn’t my friendship enough for her? Why do I feel so anxious and sad no matter how much I find joy in you? Do you really have a plan? Is it actually going to happen? Can I really trust you?

I know as I’m typing all this that “I’m not supposed to ask these questions”. I know it shows a lack of faith and a lot of self centered thinking, but I also know that it’s where I’m at. I know that the stress and the worry of trying to believe that God is good all the time is exhausting and counter productive. I know that God is telling me to only be still and I am trying to learn what that means. But until then I’m begging Him to help my soul believe that He is good and I think that’s a request that God is big enough to handle.

#WillWork

When I was in the 8th grade we had to do a research paper on college options and career paths. We were expected to choose three universities we might be interested in attending one day and what major we would like to do there. They asked us to do this in 8th grade so that we could better choose what path we would need to take in high school. Did we need to strive to be in the accelerated math program, align our classes with the goal of doing AP by junior year? Was duel enrollment a better option for the university we wanted to attend?

Realistically our teachers knew we would probably switch career dreams by time we graduated, but it was something we were expected to be in consideration of the whole time we were in school in order to be the best prepared. It is the goal of college prep schools to prepare you for college after all.

In 8th grade I chose three universities that by time I actually graduated high school I would learn there was no chance of me ever affording. All three were private Christian universities, some of the best in their states. They weren't Ivy League or anything, but they were nice. I wrote about attending school for a history major. I wanted to focus on Native American studies and work side by side with native communities to preserve, understand, and share the history and culture. I actually considered a history degree of some variety up until my junior year of high school.

Choosing a school and major become more real around junior year of high school. At that time you are expected to actually put in applications to schools. It's no longer hypothetical but reality. Junior year of high school I decided I wanted a career path with more meaning. I didn't want to become a teacher or work in a museum, and so while I loved history it really wasn't the right major for me. I wanted something with meaning. I wanted to do a job that helped me serve others. I started looking into psychology and social work, and after research, meetings with advisers, college acceptances, and more important scholarships and financial aid acceptances I ended up at a smallish tech school an hour from my home town that covered me in full. I went to school for a degree in Sociology with a double concentration in Social Work and Criminal Justice and a minor in Psychology. I graduated after four years, and I then went on to work at Starbucks for the next year.

Can I be honest? I'm still not positive I know what I want to do with my life. In 6th grade when asked I told them I wanted to become a solider. In lower elementary school when asked I said a clown, and in upper elementary I wanted to become a baker. During college I considering going on to get a masters in counseling, I've talked about opening a coffee shop, trying to go to law school, and I've looked a lot into missions. I don't know what I want to be when I grow up. I'm not sure what the future holds for me... and I'm not entirely sure I will ever know.

That's not to say I don't have goals. I have things I desire out of life, I'm just not sure on a career. I want to be a wife, and a mom. I want to continue to always be involved in a church that I love. I want to have friends all over that I get to travel and see. I want to travel. I want to never stop learning. I want to learn about theology, I want to study religions, I want to know history, I want to be taught new crafts, and I never want to think I know all I need to know about any topic. I want to be happy, to find joy in the little things. I want to have a home that others feel welcomed in, a cozy place I can retreat to as well.

I want to share the Gospel. I want to serve God. I want to love others, and love them well. I want to make relationships with people that really pour into me, and then I want to form connections that I can pour back into. I want to know God and I want to really understand His word. I want Christ to be the center of my life, and I want to go wherever He directs me. I'm not sure where that is yet, not entirely at least. I know God has placed me in the town that I'm supposed to be in, and He has blessed me with an incredible community. I know what church I'm supposed to be at, but I'm still figuring out in what way. I don't have a job, and I'm not sure what I'm going to do, but I'm applying... sorta. I know that I want to work with kids, and I know that ministry is heavy on my heart, but I'm not sure what comes next. Kind of like when I was in 8th grade, I'm not positive what is the most realistic, and I haven't entirely worked out what the step by step plan is, but I'm looking into it and I'm rolling with it... and I'm excited to look back on this time and the journey that comes.