#beggingtobelieve

I was at a church recently and during a prayer, before the sermon was even given, one of the leaders made the statement that “some of us are begging our souls to believe that You are good.” My whole body wants to gasp at the statement. It sounds like it’s toeing the line of appropriateness. It sounds filled with doubt and struggling to have faith. It seems like something a Christian shouldn’t say... and yet I wanted to weep when it was said, stand up on a chair and yell “he’s talking about me!”. I felt seen. I felt exposed. I was hurt and rejoicing all at once and I’m not even sure I would have said that’s how I was feeling in that moment but I have been there so many times it was instant relief.

I kind of feel like I’m back in that mindset though... or slipping back into it at least. I “know” God is good all the time and all the time God is good but I am not exactly “feeling” His goodness right now. I am not understanding His ways that are better than mine and I do not have the patience for His perfect timing. Is that okay? No, no it really isn’t. But, it’s also real.

I feel stuck and overwhelmed all at once. I’m not really sure where God is leading me in life but I sure do feel like He is taking what feels like the most indirect route to get me there. It’s like I’ve been climbing up and down boulders, hills, and mountains for a while now and every time I reach what I think is flat land He points ahead to the next challenge.

A lot of people have it worse than me. I don’t have a hard life compared to most. I am incredibly fortunate and blessed and I forget those facts often. Life isn’t easy though. My life isn’t easy though. And sometimes I look at it and all I see is a mess and it’s all I can do to look up at my Father and ask why? Arms stretched wide, desperate for an answer I can hold on to, I beg Him to tell me why. Why did I have to lose my dad? Why does my body constantly fail me? Why is my family not in church? Why can’t my mom find a job? Why don’t I know what I need to do? Why doesn’t he love me back? Why wasn’t my friendship enough for her? Why do I feel so anxious and sad no matter how much I find joy in you? Do you really have a plan? Is it actually going to happen? Can I really trust you?

I know as I’m typing all this that “I’m not supposed to ask these questions”. I know it shows a lack of faith and a lot of self centered thinking, but I also know that it’s where I’m at. I know that the stress and the worry of trying to believe that God is good all the time is exhausting and counter productive. I know that God is telling me to only be still and I am trying to learn what that means. But until then I’m begging Him to help my soul believe that He is good and I think that’s a request that God is big enough to handle.