Rest

Rest

I often don’t sleep well. I have poor sleeping habits and a weird schedule, and so my sleep suffers. I’m pretty much stay tired. My counselor used to joking tell me that sometimes the most biblical thing you can do is take a nap, and I believe it.

Even God rested.  “So God blessed the seventh day and made it holy, because on it God rested from all his work that he had done in creation.” Genesis 2:3

I don’t know what you do for a living, but I know what I do is much less then create a whole world... and yet I often feel like one day off (or more) isn’t enough. Over the past year I’ve been learning that I think a big part of that is that I’m not resting well.

Biblical rest isn’t just sleep. Biblical rest is sitting in quiet before the Lord (Exodus 33:14). Biblical rest is surrender (Matthew 11:28-30). It’s prayer and meditation (Mark 6:31). Biblical rest is laying down your burdens, it’s pausing work, it’s letting the Lord fill you back up.

True rest is a form of surrender. It’s a form of worship. It’s a way for us to cast aside worries and distractions and be with our Creator. True rest restores and lack of biblical rest can lead us astray (Hebrews 4:11).

So make time to rest my sister. Be still before the Lord. Allow Him to lead you beside the still waters and calm your soul, so that in rest you may better know your Creator. 

 

Psalm 23:2-3

He makes me lie down in green pastures.

He leads me beside still waters. 

He restores my soul.

He leads me in paths of righteousness

for his name's sake.

Steadfast Love

Confession: I’m a mess of a person. And not the cute mess you often see in movies that’s endearing and whimsical. The type that’s lead others to make such comments as “she’s not a good influence”. Yeah... that type of a mess.

See, I’ve made some mistakes. I lived in a pretty big open rebellion towards the Lord for a bit a few years back. I fully embraced what the world had to offer and in anger and bitterness I turned my back on the Lord. 

This happened shortly after my earthly father passed away. It’s hard to admit anger at a dead person, but I think I was pretty mad at my dad for leaving. I was also pretty mad at God. I felt alone and betrayed and instead of running towards the Lord I ran away.

Deuteronomy 31:6 says “Be strong and courageous. Do not fear or be in dread of them, for it is the Lord your God who goes with you. He will not leave you or forsake you.” 

These were the words Moses told Israel as they prepared to cross the Jordan. Moses wasn’t to go with them, but he knew the Lord would. The same God that had freed them from Egypt, the same God that had gone before them for 40 years, He is the same God that would go before them into the promised land. He was the same God that my dad pointed me towards and the same God that was there after he left. When I realized that by diving head first away from God I was going deeper into loneliness and pain I desperately began to swim back.

He will not leave you or forsake you! When I turned my back on the Lord, do you know where He was? Right where He had been and will always be.

In Lamentations we are told, 

The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases; his mercies never come to an end; they are new every morning; great is your faithfulness. (3:22-23)

I was the prodigal son. I’ve been lost and found. The Lord waits with open arms to bring us back to life, and hallelujah what a God!( Luke 15:11-31)

#beggingtobelieve

I was at a church recently and during a prayer, before the sermon was even given, one of the leaders made the statement that “some of us are begging our souls to believe that You are good.” My whole body wants to gasp at the statement. It sounds like it’s toeing the line of appropriateness. It sounds filled with doubt and struggling to have faith. It seems like something a Christian shouldn’t say... and yet I wanted to weep when it was said, stand up on a chair and yell “he’s talking about me!”. I felt seen. I felt exposed. I was hurt and rejoicing all at once and I’m not even sure I would have said that’s how I was feeling in that moment but I have been there so many times it was instant relief.

I kind of feel like I’m back in that mindset though... or slipping back into it at least. I “know” God is good all the time and all the time God is good but I am not exactly “feeling” His goodness right now. I am not understanding His ways that are better than mine and I do not have the patience for His perfect timing. Is that okay? No, no it really isn’t. But, it’s also real.

I feel stuck and overwhelmed all at once. I’m not really sure where God is leading me in life but I sure do feel like He is taking what feels like the most indirect route to get me there. It’s like I’ve been climbing up and down boulders, hills, and mountains for a while now and every time I reach what I think is flat land He points ahead to the next challenge.

A lot of people have it worse than me. I don’t have a hard life compared to most. I am incredibly fortunate and blessed and I forget those facts often. Life isn’t easy though. My life isn’t easy though. And sometimes I look at it and all I see is a mess and it’s all I can do to look up at my Father and ask why? Arms stretched wide, desperate for an answer I can hold on to, I beg Him to tell me why. Why did I have to lose my dad? Why does my body constantly fail me? Why is my family not in church? Why can’t my mom find a job? Why don’t I know what I need to do? Why doesn’t he love me back? Why wasn’t my friendship enough for her? Why do I feel so anxious and sad no matter how much I find joy in you? Do you really have a plan? Is it actually going to happen? Can I really trust you?

I know as I’m typing all this that “I’m not supposed to ask these questions”. I know it shows a lack of faith and a lot of self centered thinking, but I also know that it’s where I’m at. I know that the stress and the worry of trying to believe that God is good all the time is exhausting and counter productive. I know that God is telling me to only be still and I am trying to learn what that means. But until then I’m begging Him to help my soul believe that He is good and I think that’s a request that God is big enough to handle.

#Let'sGetReal

The realness of my depression hits when I’m no longer able to read and write.

When drawing sounds exhausting, words no longer make sense, and writing a simple paragraph feels like an impossible task... that’s when I realize I can no longer ignore the feeling inside my chest.

I’m held captive by the effects of a disease that can’t be seen, and it feels impossibly constricting and overwhelming to simply be me.

When the things that brought me joy and distracted me from the world, can no longer hold my attention, I can only turn to the Word. 
I know Christ is better. I know that He redeems, but when I’m in that darkness sometimes He actually feels like the enemy.

My savior and redeemer, my father and my friend, feels like the villain in my life story, a story with no end.

It’s scary and ugly, the feelings I face inside, when I feel like Jesus is no longer my God, when it seems like He is no longer by my side.

Forgotten, abandoned and broken, worthless, a waste of time.

All the lies that the demons of my heart whisper in my mind.

God brings joy.

He is light. 

But sometimes my human heart forgets and tries to hide. 

Ashamed and confused. Exhausted and believing all the lies.

My lonely heart abandons the only thing that keeps it healthy and alive.

It’s difficult and exhausting, trying to hide, the unbelief that comes when you can’t lay down your pride. 

When you try to save yourself, casting God aside. 

Thinking depression is a force you are strong enough to fight. 

The waves becomes too rough, the waters begin to rise, and that sinking feeling in your chest overtakes your life.

It’s easy to forget, hard to understand, why the lifeguard who walks on water would want to hold your hand. 

The lighthouse you abandoned, the captain who controls the seas, is your savior and redeemer, the everlasting king. 

Abandoned and forgotten, yet He never left your side. 

Those moments of loneliness were when you bought the devils lies. 

His light never faded, 

He heard all of your cries.

My cries. 

He heard all of my cries. 

Never lost or abandoned. 

I have nothing to hide. 

Because the God that walks by my side already knows everything about my life. 

Me fears, my shames, my missteps, and backslides will never be enough to make him turn an eye. 

In the darkest of depressions, when all that can be done is to cry, 

still Jesus is faithful, my only hope of light.

#ThankYou...

I’m thankful to be tired and sleep deprived the last few days, because I was spending time with 

friends and family instead of in my bed. I’m thankful for the belly aches that follow two home cooked meals. I’m thankful for the short time I had at home, because I know the shortness is only due to having a job to return to. I’m thankful for the itchy eyes and nose that come from puppy love at family gatherings. I’m thankful for the heartache that came from missing those that are no longer here. I know it means that I’ve experiences love, and that I have memories of those that have gone on. I’m thankful for headaches and pains because of those that show their worry care. I’m thankful to have missed my brother on Thanksgiving, not only because it means we have a relationship worth missing but because I know he was away with one whom he loves. I’m thankful that while home I missed my friends back at my other home. I have two communities that love and support me. I’m thankful for tired eyes, a happy heart, and a spirit at peace.

I am thankful. I am grateful. I am oh so blessed!

I am grateful for each and every blessing God has bestowed upon me. He has blessed me with a loving family, gracious friends, two homes, two churches, a job, a vehicle that powers through, and many more “things” that I neither need nor deserve.

It’s been a rough year… rough almost two years really. I lost my Pop, then my dad, had some friend drama, graduated college, did a cross country road trip, worked my last summer at camp, didn’t know what I was returning to, moved home, took part in three weddings, family drama, job searched, started Starbucks, started babysitting, made lots of poor decisions, gained some new friends, fell in love, left my jobs, didn’t know what came next, moved back to my college town, was job less, more friend drama, had my heart broken, learned lots of lessons, recovered a faith I didn’t know I was losing, struggled, found a job in my career, formed some life changing friendships, found some peace, and saw/ am still seeing God remain steadfast through it all.

I’ve had some low moments. I didn’t make all the best decisions. I fell down more than once, and yet, His mercy remained. He is truly sufficient for me. Everything in this life is an extra gift that I am undeserving of. I’ve learned that trials only polish and refine. Weariness only causes me to fall back on Him. The exhaustion, confusion, pain, hurt, and anger I have experienced this past year only brought me back to the feet of Jesus, and oh what a beautiful place that is!

I’m thankful for the little things. God has been gracious to me young measure. I know no more precious gift than to be loved  by a Lord who is active, who is merciful, who is gracious, forgiving, sacrificially loving, who created me, who knows me, who wants me! Thank you, Jesus! Thank you for grace, mercy, and love. For friends, family, and a home. For my past, my present, and for having a plan for my future. Thank you Jesus for naps, for cats, parades, and babies. Thank you for seeing me, truly seeing me, and still loving and pursuing me. Thank you for never giving up on me no matter how fast or hard I ran. Your steadfast love, Your undeserved grace, peace everlasting, mercy never ending, and your Son. Thank you for crunchy leaves, teddy bears, warm blankets, hot jackets, and chocolate… because You even care about the little things.

#Moana

Confession time, I love Disney princess movies. I love Disney in general, like am overly passionate about it for someone in their 20's, but those princess movies are where it is at. I know Disney isn't exactly an unpopular thing to like- it's very stereotypical white girl, and I'm okay with that. However, that is not the point of this post. I tell you I love Disney princess movies because I want to discuss one in particular today, Moana.

I feel like the responsible "blogger" thing to do would be to list info about Moana right now, release date, popularity, all that info, but I'm just going to assume you know about Moana and not go into all of that. Moana is one of those Disney movies that came out with such popularity it's almost difficult to not know about it. It easily slid into place as one of my favorites the first time I saw it.

I think the movie was incredibly well done, and honestly there is so much I could go on about why I loved the movie (Hei Hei in general is deserving of his own blog post) but I actually just want to discuss one scene. If you haven't seen the movie then you might want to stop reading now. I saw that partially because of spoilers, and partially because I don't know that you will fully understand what I'm about to describe if you have never seen it for yourself. With that warning in place, let's get on with it,

Picture the big scene. The climax of the movie, Moana and Maui fighting to return the heart of Te Fiti. Maui is serving as a distraction and our heroine is standing on some rocks in the middle of the ocean about to return the heart of Te Fiti only to realize that Te Fiti is gone. Holding the salvation for her people in her hand she looks down and everything clicks. The lava monster Te Ka is roaring behind her, about to approach, and Moana knows what she has to do. Maui has a beautiful moment doing a haka, and right as Te Ka is about to destroy him Moana gets this monsters attention. She holds up the heart of Te Fiti, the heart of Te Ka, one in the same.  

In one of the most visually stunning moments of the film, and an incredible emotional (slightly scary) scene Moana gives orders to the ocean "Let her come to me."As the waters part and Te Ka crawls towards Moana she, in true Disney princess fashion, begins to sing, 

"I have crossed the ocean to find you.

I know your name

They have stolen the heart from inside you.

But this does not define you

This is not who you are

You know who you are"

Moana restores Te Fiti's heart after whispering to the lava monster "I know who you are" and greeting her in traditional fashion. Once the heart is restored Te Ka transformers into the beautiful Te Fiti. The whole sequence is stunning. It's one of those scenes that almost seems to demand a respectful hush in what ever room the film is being watched. It's a scene that was so well done and it leaves an impact.

I cry watching this scene. I know it might seem a bit extreme to some of you, but let me explain. I had seen the film before but during my last summer at camp we all watched it together. Crowded into the chapel, laying on the floor, the scene hit me in a way it never had. I don't know if it's because of all that I was dealing with at the time, or if it's because I was in a spiritual mindset after spending weeks at a Christian camp, but I saw Christ in that scene and it was beautiful. 

I don't want to take away from any meaning the writers, directors, and cultural experts that contributed to the movie actual meant for the film or this scene in particular. I know that there is cultural significance to the Polynesian people in regards to certain aspects of the film. I in no way want to take away from that, but I couldn't help to watch the movie and be stuck by how similar Moana's words to broken, pained, monstrous Te Ka is to Jesus when He looks at us.

Do you see where I'm going with this? Can you see what I am seeing? Te Ka and Te Fiti are one in the same, just one is without their heart. Te Ka is portrayed as a lava monster, causing death, destruction, screaming and thrashing around. Te Fiti, with the heart, is calm, life giving, mother nature, quiet, peaceful, and beautiful. It's a stark difference, a drastic change, and while watching the film I saw what happened to my soul when I was saved by Christ. Like Te Ka I was broken, dying, screaming out in pain, causing destruction, until Jesus transformed me. I believe that at the moment of salvation the Holy Spirit enters a person, kind of like the moment that the heart of Te Fiti was restored. We are made whole, complete, given peace and a purpose when it happens. It is beautiful!

As much as the visuals of the scene hit me, the words hit just as hard. Sitting in that chapel listening to Moana sing I felt like I could almost hear Jesus saying "this is what I did for you, this is what I said to you". I've heard the phrase often in my life that the devil knows your name but calls you by your sin while Jesus knows your sin yet calls you by your name... "I know your name". I believe that all humans are innately sinful, I believe that the only perfect human to ever walk this earth was Jesus, and I believe that we often spend this life wading and basking in sin and destruction instead of seeking that saving grace. We let the sins of this world, our own human desires, consume us and rule us- "They have stolen the heart from inside you". But, the crazy thing is, much like Moana crossed the ocean to restore Te Fiti's heart, Jesus crossed from heaven to earth to save us. He sees our sin and shame and He tells us that it doesn't have to define us. He has paid the cost and His blood can cover all our wrongs. We have been called to more than sin, we have been called to a life abundant in Christ. We are God's creation, His children, His beloved... we are not our sin!

You might think I'm crazy. Either for believing in Christ or for reading that much into a children's movie, but let me tell you- Moana moved me. It wrecked me. I set there crying in that chapel overwhelmed with God's mercy, grace, and love. I have watched the movie quite a few times since. Every time it gets to that part I can't help but smile. I still tear up sometimes. I know it might seem crazy, but I so hope that you get to experience the same thing I did. I hope that you have that moment of just simple doing life and enjoying happy things and the true power and being of God just hitting you. A "God moment" as it's sometimes cheesily called. 

1. I love Moana. I love Disney. But, man I love my God so much more. 

#Pword

I want to talk to you about sex... sort of. Actually, I want to talk to you about purity. If you were raised in any sort of Christian environment then you know that these topics pretty much always go hand in hand. I'm reading a book at the moment on emotional purity. The premise of the book is to encourage health relationships (friendships) between opposite sex individuals by setting boundaries in emotional conversations and situations. I'm reading the book by recommendation from a good friend, and I think the basis of the book is great! I think that this is a real issue that isn't discussed enough in Christian circles. I think often the conversation of purity is focused purely on the physical aspect and not enough on the emotional side.

I'm only a couple chapters into the book. I don't want to name it until I've given it a full read through, but I do want to go ahead and discuss one issue I have with the conversation in the book. My purity is not for my future husband. I'm going to say that again, my purity is not for my future husband. I've set in numerous chapels, small groups, read countless articles, books, and bible studies that all encourage young Christians to remain virgins, stay pure, so that you can one day present your spouse with the ultimate gift. We endocrine our youth with the idea that if they aren't pure, if they aren't virgins, then they are failing their spouse. We say that purity is something you owe your spouse, this is the ultimate display of love.

I believe the bible does encourage people to stay pure until marriage. I think that this is the intended idea and that it is something to strive for... but I don't think it's sole purpose is for our spouse. Can I be real honest for a moment? My future spouse, who may or may never come along, is not enough for me to stay pure. This person that currently doesn't exist in my life and may never actually exist is not the reason I want to strive for purity. They are not reason enough. I don't know if I will ever get married. I don't know that my spouse will themselves be a virgin. I don't know that my spouse will be the first person I fall in love with to be real, and they just aren't reason enough.

But Jesus is. I don't know if I will ever have a man that loves me enough to spend his life with me, but Jesus already loved me enough to die for me. I'm not sure if I will ever have a wedding day, but Jesus already had a resurrection day. I don't know if I will ever have a spouse, but God knew about me before my parents ever gave thought to me. I believe the bible encourages purity. We are to strive for emotional and physical purity not because it is what makes us worthy of marriage but because God has made us, loved us, and called us to present our bodies as a holy and living sacrifice and that means that it is all for Him. 

I think that emotional intimacy is necessary for a marriage to last, and I think that this type of relationship with a person that is not your spouse is harmful because of the harm it causes us when those feelings and expectations go un-returned. I think that sex is something that is intended to be shared between husband and wife and that it is a beautiful and life giving thing, but I don't think think that sex before marriage ruins you. I think it hurts you. I think it leaves scares because it is such an intimate gesture and once again when that intimacy is not returned it causes doubts, insecurities, pains, and misunderstandings to arise. However, I think that if the only reason you refrain from sex is for another person, if that is what we teach our youth, then we are setting them up for hurt and failure.

Mo Isom wrote an incredible book titled Sex, Jesus, and the Conversations the Church Forgot that explains this way better than I ever can. I highly encourage all young, and old, Christians and church goers to read it. I think Mo does an excellent job of explaining what purity really is and how we have gotten it so wrong and twisted over the years. I picked this book up on a whim, but it is one that speaks truth because Mo takes it back to Jesus. She takes it back to the bible and explains why sex is great, what purity really means, and what this should look like in our lives.

I don't think this is an easy topic. It's taboo. It's uncomfortable. It's one that the church doesn't discuss because I think a lot of people in the church no longer know how. When your purity is the reason you think another person should value you then you are setting your self up for hurt. It's why so many Christian women struggle after marriage. It why shame enters otherwise Godly relationships, because if your only reason for remaining pure was so that you could then give that purity to someone else, then what are you left with? If your reason for remaining pure is so that you can honor and glorify God, and then you have sex and intimacy in the context He created it for, you see the beauty and you see God's love.

I'm not saying that remaining or striving for purity for Christ suddenly makes it easier. Lust and sexual desires, intimate personal relationships, trust and openness with the wrong people, all these things can and will still be temptations. I just feel like, for me at least, those temptations become a lot more worthy of a fight when I know that it is God that is pleased and not some man that may never actually exist.